This past Friday, April 19th, was the two-year anniversary of my dog Sawyer’s death. In both good and bad ways, that day was quite different than I imagined it would be. Here are some observations about it.
I wasn’t sure how painful that date would be this year. There was still a great deal of pain one year after Sawyer’s death. The fact that I spent much of that day searching for a rehab facility for seven orphaned baby possums and then transporting them once a good place had been found added to the pain and stress. Even without that experience, I’m certain that that day still would have been painful. That was the first day that I could no longer say I had Sawyer less than one year ago.
Just as last year, this year’s anniversary was also painful, especially since it marked the beginning of having to say that I’ve been without Sawyer for multiple years. However, the pain was smaller than last year and the day itself was overall ok. I attribute that to all the healing work I’ve done, regarding both Sawyer’s death and other issues. I spent lots of time by myself on Friday letting go and doing things in memory of Sawyer. Several of them made me cry healing tears. I reread Mister Rogers’s book When A Pet Dies and watched the episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood in which he talks about death. Both gave me comfort and the episode freed up more tears.
Although I would have strongly preferred to have stayed home all day, I had an important commitment that evening. While the event itself went fine, I felt a lot of anger on the drive down there due to heavy delays and getting stuck at a lot of red lights on an alternative route. All that stress made me not even want to do the event at all since it took a lot just to get there through all that anger and wasted time. I felt so relieved to be back home after a smooth return drive. The anger and sadness took a lot out of me that day and left me feeling extra tired by the end.
The week leading up to the big day was almost a disaster. On Sunday, April 14th, something extremely scary, infuriating, and deeply painful happened that completely ruined that day for me. I cried a lot and yelled a lot after that happened; the next day featured some more crying and possibly more yelling. I spent the next two days at home doing four hours of letting go per day. That helped me feel immensely better. I kept doing as many extra letting go sessions throughout the week as my schedule allowed. I’m certain that allowed me to welcome all emotions on the anniversary much better than I otherwise could have in addition to preventing the massive pain from that Sunday from making me feel even worse than I did.
Car trouble added some additional stress to this already painful time of year. Fortunately, I was able to have reliable transportation every day it was needed. That was especially important over this past weekend when two close friends of mine got married in St. Augustine. I had the honor of being in the wedding party, which is the first time I’ve been asked to do so. I’m so glad I was able to be part of it despite the car issues and increased emotional pain.
Something many don’t seem to understand, and which took me a long time to realize, is that Sawyer’s death and life without him have both been painful for other reasons than my love for him. Since Sawyer first came home toward the end of my junior year in high school, we experienced a lot in our eleven years together. My high school graduation, first job, entering adulthood, first romantic relationship, start of my career as a professional juggler, and beginning of my self-improvement journey are a few of the things Sawyer was there to witness. He also got me through a lot of painful times, such as the end of that romantic relationship, several deaths of those close to me, scary confrontations, and tons of my own emotional struggles. The fact that he’s not here anymore not only means that we won’t get to make any new Earthly memories together but also that his role as a living link to many major milestones and wonderful times in my life is now broken. That is painful enough on my good days and even more painful on my bad days when I miss him, the comfort he gave me, and the connection he provided to the good times of the past.
I’m glad the day went as well as it did. Each day without Sawyer is difficult, and, thus far, each anniversary since his death has been more painful than the average day. Despite several humans telling me “The pain never goes away,” I have noticed a gradual decrease in the pain since I started working through it right after Sawyer’s death. While I don’t know how long it will take for all of the pain to go away, I feel confident that that will happen at some point with continued healing work. In addition to feeling curious as to how the third anniversary of Sawyer’s death affects me next year, I look forward to feeling increasing peace about what happened, what will happen, and what is happening around me.