For as long as I can remember, I have gotten in trouble for making the exact same kinds of jokes that others have gotten praised for making. Someone known for saying blunt, often cruel things will make a joke at someone else’s expense and those around will laugh, including the person who is the butt of the joke. I’ll then make a related joke and get met with either silence, scorn, or one followed by the other. Why? Let’s explore this.
I suspect it has to do with how I usually act and what I normally say around others, whether I know them well or not. Because I’m known for saying little and sticking to nicer things when I do speak, a joke that seems to come at someone else’s expense is shocking and out of character for me. In contrast, someone who is known for blurting out whatever they’re thinking is expected to say those kinds of jokes and so is rewarded with laughter or even praise. I’ve experienced this enough times to believe that folks who normally are outgoing and assertive can get away with saying more than folks who are normally quiet and passive.
This is largely why I’ve stopped making those kinds of jokes, using sarcasm, pretending to be upset when I’m really not, etc. That and the fact that I’ve grown to dislike mean-spirited humor in general, whether I’m on the giving, receiving, or witnessing end. If that were the only issue here, I’d be fine with it. However, there is a deeper problem that still plagues me despite all the work I’ve done on it.
That problem is how difficult this makes it for me to set boundaries. For an assertive person, setting a boundary is expected, normal, and accepted. For a passive person, setting a boundary is unexpected, abnormal, and rejected. This is why assertive people can easily set and maintain boundaries while I’ve often been on the receiving end of hostility when I’ve attempted to set a boundary, stand up for myself, or anything else along those lines. No matter how politely, calmly, and civilly I’ve done it, I’ve almost always been accused of being cruel, mean, ungrateful, or been told “You come with too many rules.” Those who speak in a blunt, direct way can get away with plenty that I, with my more reserved, shy speaking style never can.
Aside from the above experiences, there are other issues when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries. One of them is caring more about someone else’s emotional state than my own. Much of this comes from knowing how much others have hurt me emotionally and not wanting to do that to anyone else. Another huge one is the fear of getting hurt if I speak up, as happened so often in my upbringing when I attempted to stand up for myself. Some practice with safe humans in safe situations has helped. Swing dancing has helped me a lot with this. When I ask someone to dance, they almost always accept, but occasionally will decline. That used to a hurt me a lot, and now it doesn’t hurt me at all. I’ve also gotten confident enough to decline dances without feeling bad about it. Seeing that doing this hasn’t destroyed or even harmed my interactions with anyone has been a huge relief and allows me to keep at it. I hope that continued practice will allow me to do this in more areas, especially the ones that are difficult and painful right now.
I’ve written before about how good my dog Sawyer was at boundaries. After our friendship was solidified, we could say or do anything and always knew we still loved each other. With all he taught me about boundaries and other important things in life, I can use a lot of that to up my boundaries game. That’s still a struggle for me because I’m not used to it. My whole life consists of habits and routines. When I’m doing something that I’ve done many times, it flows easily and I feel good. With new things, there is often stress, frustration, overwhelm, and a lack of interest in continuing it until I’ve practiced it enough to make it easy (or at least easier than it was initially). While I wish I could more easily adapt to new things, I love the fact that I can practice enough things to have my bases covered in several areas of life. Given how many things I’ve excelled at despite thinking I’d never be able to do them at all, I feel confident that continued practice will improve my ability to set and maintain boundaries in a kind way and avoid trying to appease those who are never going to treat me well. Here’s hoping.