I try to solve problems wherever possible. Much of the progress I’ve made at self-improvement and other skills has come from figuring out my weak points and then fixing them. Further, when I talk to someone about a difficult time I’m having, I often ask for advice on getting out of the situation or holding on until it’s over. This problem-solving mindset is why I tend to offer potential solutions for issues other people mention to me. However, this doesn’t always go over well.
I’ve had to learn when to be a problem-solver and when to be a listener. Stephen Covey and Dale Carnegie talk a lot about the importance of listening in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and How to Win Friends and Influence People, respectively. Both books have helped me become a better listener and tune into what the other person needs. Sometimes a person in a weird situation just needs someone to hear their ideas so they can make a decision or solve a problem on their own. Other times listening might not help them solve their problem, but it will let them know I care and that I’m there for them. Focusing primarily on solving the problem, however, may make it seem like I care more about the problem than I care about the person, and that can create a lot of strife between us. So in some cases, the best thing to do is just listen to and hold space for the other person as they talk their way through their feelings or a solution to their problem.
It wasn’t until I noticed my own occasional tendency to seek out a listener that I realized how powerful it is to truly listen to someone without judgment or trying to figure everything out for them. Some of my greatest breakthroughs have come from just having someone listen as I ramble on and inadvertently say something insightful. Now that I’m aware of this, I try to keep that in mind when listening to others; sometimes I’ll even ask if they want me to give them advice or listen. Sometimes, after having listened to someone talk through their feelings on multiple occasions, they’ll ask me for advice without my ever offering it, which I take as a sign that they trust me, respect me, and value my input. I doubt I would get that request much, if at all, if I always focused on solving problems instead of caring for the other person. This is what I’ve discovered thus far from becoming a better listener and I’m excited to see what else I learn along the way.