Life is strange as of late. Some things are going well. Others are still difficult and confusing. I feel a lot of sadness over the impending death of a loved one. This is the first such death I’ve faced since my dog Sawyer died about two and a half years ago. Loved ones dying is always painful, although the pain is always worse after it happens. That’s when it becomes the most real to me, both the death and the knowledge that I won’t see that person again for the rest of my Earthly life.
Despite this, I’m somehow feeling ok. Not great, just ok. Lots of time alone lately is helping a lot with that. Getting both good quality and quantity of sleep recently also helps. Even further, I’ve been doing a lot of stuff I enjoy and getting plenty of self-care. While none of that takes away the pain, it does make it much easier to handle.
This experience is reminding me how important it is to allow my emotions to come up as they’re ready. This is nothing new to me. I’ve had almost two and a half years of practice at sitting with painful emotions since Sawyer’s death. I’m certain that is most of why I’m doing as well as I am right now.
It’s also reminding me how much I hate the phrase, “You can always choose your emotions.” Not unless you were either never traumatized or have healed all your trauma. There may be a small handful of people who can always feel exactly how they want to feel and never have to feel any way they don’t want to feel, but that doesn’t accurately describe most people. A phrase I much prefer is “You can always choose to feel your emotions.” This is much more accurate and useful than the previous phrase. Rather than trying to forcibly stop negative emotions in their tracks, I can allow them to come up and watch them gradually weaken until they’re gone. Whether the emotions are big or small, simple or complex, pleasant or unpleasant, feeling them is the path to healing.
Sawyer’s death knocked me down for over a year. I have no idea how long I’ll be knocked down when my next loved one dies. Given how much experience I now have with healing deep pain, I hope that the recovery will not take nearly as long as it did with Sawyer. Time will tell. For now, I’m grateful to have as much time to myself as I do, and to have gotten more time with caring humans and less time with emotionally unintelligent folks. I sometimes feel frustrated just imagining the responses I’ll likely receive when those close to me find out: unwanted advice, tales of pain they have gone through with losses they think are comparable, endless pontifications about life and death, and silence from those who have no idea what to do and so do or say nothing. It remains to be seen how anyone actually will or won’t respond. Until then, I’ll continue using my alone time to release as many heavy emotions as I can and take good care of myself in preparation for yet another painful loss.