Stay Out of the Story

My mind is rarely content to sit with emotions. It loves to turn them into a story and run with it as a justification for those feelings. This prevents understanding of what actually happened and makes it much harder to heal from any pain that may have come up.

Stories are everywhere. They’re all over a variety of media, at home, in the workplace, on billboards, and almost anywhere else people gather. And they’re almost always wrong. This is especially the case when the stories stem from negative emotions. The worst way to respond to a story is to run with it instead of checking in with someone else to see whether or not the story is correct. Was that person actually a jerk to me, or is “jerk” just a label my mind is applying to them because I disliked what they did (or what I did)? If I run with the story that comes up as a result of feeling hurt, I may treat the person poorly in response. By pausing, noticing the emotions that are coming up, and observing the story without getting lost in it, I have an opportunity to ask for clarification. When they explain their intentions, relief comes in and the conversation is prevented from escalating into a conflict. It takes a lot more to make things right after acting badly on assumptions than it does to clarify the situation before acting.

Why get caught up in stories and all the drama they create? Why not instead process the underlying emotions and be free from it all? After all, as Kurt Vonnegut explains in this wonderful lecture, we don’t know enough to know what is good news and what is bad news. Stories don’t tell us which is which; all they do is explain why we think something is good or bad based on the positive or negative emotions we’re feeling. It’s much nicer to focus on how I’m feeling and enjoy feeling good when I like what’s happening. Stories only get in the way of that.

I realize that avoiding stories is much easier said than done. With some particularly painful emotions, it takes a huge amount of effort to notice the stories as they are being written and avoid blindly following them. On my best days, I can avoid trouble by acknowledging stories as they come up, observing what’s going on with my emotions, and checking in with my body. It also helps to talk with the other person instead of talking at them. As difficult as this all can be, it has gotten much easier over time. If I could learn to do this, anyone can, and I hope everyone does.