Earlier this year, I wrote a blog post about how much had changed over the previous six months. It’s been more than six months since that post and even more has changed. I think an update is in order.
Of everything that has changed this year, my dog Sawyer’s death has been by far the largest and most painful change. Even though it’s been a little over six months since our last goodbye and even though I’ve cried through gargantuan amounts of pain, the pain is still massive. It comes in waves. Some days are super easy and others are beyond horrible. The horrible days almost always occur whenever I come upon another milestone since Sawyer’s death: my birthday, a major holiday, starting a new season of the year without him, a certain amount of time since our final goodbye, etc. Anything significant that he’ll no longer celebrate with me brings with it a great deal of pain.
Sometimes the great days can be harder than the difficult days. This can happen with one great day and especially when I have several great days in a row. The latter reminds me of 2018. Everything I experienced that year seemed to either be good or at least moving in that direction. Many of my favorite memories ever occurred that year. Whenever I start feeling similarly to how I did then, I’m always met with the rude awakening that Sawyer isn’t here anymore. That plus several other major unpleasant changes since then remind me that those days are long gone. I then get the sense that I’ll never recover the magic, wonder, and relief I felt in 2018, or that I’ll never reach even greater heights.
Sawyer was the first of several losses this year. About a week after his death in late April, a family member’s cat died. I often visited with him when I went to family gatherings and last saw him in March, about a month before both he and Sawyer died. In May, a friend lost her mom. While we didn’t know each other long enough to get real close, the death was still unexpected and sad. Then in late June, another friend lost his dad. We weren’t very close but it was still painful. With each one of those deaths, I’ve wondered why they died and I kept going. That always crosses my mind when someone I know dies. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn the answer.
In addition to losing some through death, I’ve also fallen out with a few folks who are still alive. This seems to be a common pattern for me. Sometimes it’s healthy, other times it’s not. The hard part is knowing when it is and when it isn’t. I can’t tell when I’m running high on emotion, which is usually when I end up cutting people off. When my emotions are settled, I may keep people around even if I know they’re bad for me. I hope I get better at setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Personal relationships have been all over the place. I still tend to feel uncomfortable around all but a few humans. I’ve seen how much hostility so many of them possess, including several I’ve spent a lot of time around for years now, and I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it or see anyone else meet the same fate. That’s largely why I much prefer the company of animals or simply spending time by myself. That said, most of the interactions I’ve had this year have at least been decent and, in many cases, have been wonderful. I hope that continues.
Additionally, I’ve realized how few people treat me as I prefer to be treated. I still go out of my way to learn how those close to me prefer others to talk and interact with them and then do my best to follow through as often as possible. Almost nobody does that for me, even among those I consider to be my friends. I’m so thankful for the few who do and I cling tightly to them. I wish more of my loved ones would do for me as I do for them, especially since I’ve written and talked so much about effective communication.
The business I started last December still hasn’t gone anywhere. While I haven’t given up on it, I also haven’t done anything with it in months. Although the lack of success in that area can be a bummer at times, I have found success through a number of juggling gigs. It’s been ages since I’ve had as many gigs as I’ve had thus far this year, and I still have several more gigs lined up over the next few months. That has lifted my spirits, connected me with some great folks, helped me pay bills, and showed me that there are multiple possible paths forward.
This year has been an extremely mixed bag for me. While it’s easier for me to remember the lows, there have also been several highs. Besides the juggling gigs, I’ve made progress with 5 clubs. At this rate, I think I’ll accomplish my goal of juggling 5 clubs before the year ends. That’s exciting to think about. Plus I’ve gotten to where my voice almost always stays calm even when I’m feeling stressed. I’m amazed that’s the case, considering all that’s happened this year. Regular swing dancing, visiting with lots of dogs and cats, and meaningful conversations with some wonderful humans round out the list of enjoyable things from the latter half of 2022. I have no idea what the next six months have in store for me. If nothing else, I hope that they’ll be less painful than the previous six months.