I had some major reminders and realizations yesterday. It started when I had to deliver bad news and let someone down, both of which I hate to do. This caused a bit of confrontation which, fortunately, was resolved shortly thereafter and faded away as if it had never happened. However, my mind still made it much worse at the time than it really was. Whenever I get into a confrontational situation, I expect the worst. I expect someone to yell at me, get in my face, or hit me. That gets my adrenaline going. Trying to stay calm and diffuse the situation, which I’m still not very good at or experienced at doing, often makes me feel helpless. The best way I can think to describe it is to compare it to Bruce Banner being stuck in limbo somewhere between his normal form and the Hulk, unable to fully transform or go back to being human. Instead of being able to access his normal intelligence or the power of the Hulk, he’s in a totally ineffective and useless position where he has the worst of both worlds. That’s how I feel in confrontational situations.
This made me realize how much I hate not having some control over my situation, or being in unfamiliar territory. I mostly feel comfortable when I’m in familiar territory and know what to expect. In situations like that, it’s as if I’m playing a video game level that I can win effortlessly because I’ve played it countless times and know exactly what to do and when to do it. When I don’t have the experience and knowledge that tells me exactly what to do, I feel lost. I think that’s why I’ve read a lot about persuasion since 2017. That’s helped in some ways, but there is still the matter of remembering what I’ve read and putting it into practice. Even then, it doesn’t always work as I think it will. When that happens, I’m really up a creek without a paddle.
It took a lot of deep breathing and redirecting to settle myself and get back to a good place. I’ve made a lot of progress at this stuff over the past few years but I still have a lot of work ahead of me. As I continue working on these things, I’m going to try to go easy on myself, keep in mind that I’m trying to change habits that I’ve practiced for decades, and remember the life hacks that have taken me further than I ever thought possible. I’m also going to work more on relaxing in situations that are beyond my control and avoiding people pleasing. I don’t know how this next leg of my journey will look but I’m hoping it’ll bring me more freedom, confidence, and peace.