Never Split the Difference is a wonderful book by Chris Voss. Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, shares the techniques he used to secure the safe release of hostages from their captors and gives examples of how we can use those same techniques in our own lives. Here are some of the things from the book that really stuck out to me.
The foundation of Voss’s work consisted of empathizing with the captors and demonstrating to them that he understood what they were saying. To accomplish this, he would, among other things, repeat back to them a few key words that they said, restate their points in his own words, ask plenty of open-ended questions and give them space to answer them, and control his own emotions so as to create a calm atmosphere to relax the captors. This approach allowed him to persuade most captors to release their hostages without harming them or let down their guard so the hostages could escape. In some cases, he was even able to free hostages without paying any ransom money at all. That shows how effective these techniques are for dealing with angry, violent people in highly dangerous situations.
Voss also includes examples of these techniques in everyday life from both his own experience and the experiences of those he teaches to negotiate. He shows how they can be used to get a better deal when buying a vehicle, improve a difficult business relationship, and ensure that someone with whom you’ve made a deal holds up their side of the bargain. Additionally, he includes an example of how even a negotiation that starts off well can end badly if someone loses their temper and starts attacking the other person. This shows the importance of controlling oneself in order to have any hope of a successful negotiation.
Never Split the Difference was a fantastic read that reminded me of several things I already knew and introduced me to some new things as well. I’m particularly interested in the techniques Voss describes for their potential to defuse tense situations. If they can be used to free hostages from life-or-death situations without anyone getting hurt or killed, why couldn’t they work to calm down angry customers, employers, friends, family members, and strangers? The limited amount of practice I’ve had with some of these techniques since I read the book has already drastically improved my communication and listening abilities and shown me that Voss’s recommendations do indeed work. In addition to asking open-ended questions, something that’s particularly helped me is focusing on the real problem of resolving the underlying issue rather than getting upset at anyone else involved in the situation. I’m excited to continue practicing what I’ve learned from Never Split the Difference and seeing what it does for me. And, as usual with these book reviews, I encourage you to check this one out if you’re interested in this subject.