Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, which I first talked about in this past post. It’s hard to tell whether more humans are living through their parasympathetic nervous systems or if that’s just what appears to be happening as I’m getting deeply in touch with mine once more. Here are some of my recent thoughts on this.
From my own experience, I can organize this into different levels. The lowest levels involve almost constant activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which results in feeling bad all the time or most of the time, regardless how many good things are happening. Significantly higher up is feeling good unless things happen that one dislikes. Still higher is feeling good unless majorly bad things happen. The highest level is feeling good all the time. That is when the parasympathetic nervous system is nearly always active. During my best times, I’ve been able to stay feeling good even when those around me were being loud, expressing anger, or even turning to violence. Unfortunately, thus far, I’ve only been able to stay at that highest level for about a month at the longest before slipping back to a level that remains fairly high up yet still has the possibility of feeling bad at times.
I often see this framed in terms of “masculine” and “feminine.” I think this is a big mistake, especially when it’s used alongside an implication or direct statement that it’s solely a man’s responsibility to hold space and help regulate the emotions of his girlfriend, fiancé, or wife, and that it’s either hardly ever or even never her responsibility to do that for him. One reason this confuses me is because the traits commonly ascribed to a man “in his masculine” or a woman “in her feminine” include peace, being grounded, present moment focus, lightness, and a sense of ease for what is and what will be. All of those are signs that the parasympathetic nervous system is active. Signs that the sympathetic nervous system is active include shallow breathing, rapid heartbeat, being lost in thought, jumpiness, and a short temper. Since everyone has both a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, anyone can learn how to engage either one. That’s why I don’t see this in terms of “masculinity” or “femininity.” It’s about whether the sympathetic or parasympathetic is in control.
If someone is going to hold space for another who is having a hard time, it’s important that this not become that person’s full-time responsibility. This applies equally for romantic relationships, friendships, families, etc. Sometimes one particular person is in a good enough place to support another who is struggling. In other cases, that person may be struggling and need support from somebody else. Taking turns as needed keeps everyone on the same team and prevents any one person from getting burned out by always being the one who attempts to hold space for everyone else’s emotions. If everyone is dependent on one person to always be calm and keep things together, then who helps that person when he feels overwhelmed and can barely hang on for himself, let alone for everyone else? Further, if the one person who always keeps it together is struggling or unavailable, does everyone in that situation just fall apart? There must be a better way.
I much prefer taking turns supporting each other over the above approach, which is the way it was throughout my upbringing and even well into adulthood. At home, at various jobs, and in many close human relationships, I was expected to be the one who’d keep it together for the sake of everyone around me. The worst part was interacting with all kinds of adults who would go crazy if anything they even remotely disliked happened, especially if I as a little kid said or did something they hated. I’m sure that’s where the seed of responsibility for everyone else’s feelings was planted within me, the same seed that eventually grew into a huge, tangled mess that I’m still working every day to remove. That responsibility is exhausting and I’m so glad to finally be making real progress in releasing it.
My dog Sawyer helped ground me and engage my parasympathetic nervous system when I felt upset. Over time, I learned how to do the same for him when he needed it. This could involve giving him more attention when he appeared to feel sad, petting him and speaking in a calm voice to settle him down, and giving him space, especially when he felt tired enough to need extra naps. I loved how much we were there for each other, and my favorite human relationships have similar reciprocity. I wish that reciprocity were more common among humans.
The more I heal and release pain, the easier it is to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, and the less I depend on anyone else speaking or doing anything in particular to make me feel good. Although I’m not yet back to where I was during that wonderful month in which nothing bothered me, I still find myself feeling better in general than I have for much of my life. It takes more to really upset me and, when I do feel super upset, I can release it and feel better again much faster than I thought possible until the past few years when I really started working on this. While this is much easier for those who’ve never been traumatized, those who have been traumatized can still heal enough that they can regularly engage the parasympathetic nervous system themselves instead of being dependent on anyone else to attempt it for them. I’m sure I will feel even more relieved as I continue to heal and become increasingly freer from others being able to influence my emotional state. I hope the same occurs for all the humans I know as well as the ones I don’t know.