Lots of vulnerability in this post. I’m sharing this because it’s highly relevant to me right now and it may very well be relevant to you, if not now then maybe sometime in the past or sometime in the future.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood lately. Missing it, wishing it could come back, and also wishing I knew how good I had it at the time. Those long summer breaks, the shorter (though still long feeling) Christmas and spring breaks away from school so I could stay home, play, watch TV, and swim in the summer months. I swam a lot as a kid. Then there was getting out of the pool, sitting at an outdoor table by the pool still soaking wet, and eating a sandwich, Goldfish crackers, and drinking sweet iced tea. That was it, man. I loved it. Those days were beautiful and felt endless.
Even school was pretty easy for me during most of my school career. Math got harder toward the end of high school and there were always some things I disliked but I enjoyed school overall. I enjoyed my classmates, my friends, most of my teachers, and most of the subjects. I enjoyed running around in PE, playing, having fun, and feeling free. No responsibilities outside of school and some chores around the house. No job to go to, no bills to pay, and no awareness of world events because I paid no attention at all to the news back then. It was amazing and wonderful, and it’s over and I miss it and I hate the fact that it’s not coming back.
I don’t know what I would have done differently if I knew then how I’d feel about it now. I don’t know if I would have done anything more with that time and freedom or if I already enjoyed it to the fullest while I had it; it seems like I made the most of it. In a lot of ways, it feels like I’m still that little kid in an adult body now, trying to make it in a world that’s big, scary, complicated, and confusing. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could just play and have fun with people who like me and I like them. There are probably a lot of people who feel this way as well. Lots of people wish they didn’t have to go into a job they hate. They seem to wonder where not just their childhood but also their youth went, especially if they’re in the latter half of their life at this point. A lot of folks look forward to retirement so they can once again have time for themselves, their loved ones, and their passions. Then they’ll be able to live life more on their terms instead of on the terms of a boss, employer, manager, company, etc. Just like they did as kids.
It may be for the best that during my childhood, I didn’t think much beyond it. Knowing me and how much I tend to worry about things, if I had thought a lot beyond my childhood, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it nearly as much. Though far from perfect, I have a lot of fond memories from that time and I think I enjoyed it as much as I could’ve, given the situation and who I was. I don’t think the constant thought repeating in my head of “This will end someday so enjoy it while you can” would have helped me enjoy it any more. If anything, it would probably have made me miss out on a lot of the fun and magic of childhood. So it’s good that I was more present and less future focused during that time.
Something I do wish I’d done, either in my childhood or toward the beginning of my adulthood, is get a better grasp on emotional intelligence. I’ve learned a lot about that over the past few years. If I’d had the same knowledge ten years ago that I do now, it would have helped me out a lot. I could have better dealt with a lot of issues that came up and maybe even prevented some issues entirely. I could have gotten off to a better start by having some idea of a career, what to do with my life, ways to support myself, etc. I’d probably be a lot further ahead than I currently am if I had gotten that earlier start. That also probably would have kept a lot of magic in my life. I still had that for a while despite feeling depressed a lot, which I still feel at times (especially this year). At least going into my first few jobs, I still had a lot of positivity and sense of magic and wonder about things, even if a lot of the folks I worked alongside didn’t. But being around so many people full of cynicism gradually weighed me down over the years. I’m working on removing that now, along with a lot of negativity from my childhood and early adulthood that, until relatively recently, I didn’t realize was still there. I want to remove as much of the fear, depression, and cynicism as I can since those things are really holding me back. Whenever I operate without them, I feel a lot better and do a lot better at everything. That’s why I’m working so much on releasing them this year.
Unfortunately, as they say in my favorite Queen song, I can’t turn back the clock. The only place I can relive those waves of nostalgia are in my memories. I feel grateful that I remember so much and can revisit so much of my life in my memories. Sometimes I’ll come across something in my room that takes me back to a time and place I’d long forgotten. Fearing I’ll forget those times in my life if I lose access to objects tied to certain memories is why I have a hard time parting with things from my past, even when I haven’t used or thought about them in a long time.
I’ve spent some time mourning the loss of my childhood as well as gradually accepting the fact that it’s not coming back. Releasing those feelings is helping me avoid staying stuck in the past. I’ve also been enjoying certain things recently that I also enjoyed as a kid. Books, TV shows, movies, toys, stuffed animals, memories, etc. I’ve always found revisiting beloved things from my childhood incredibly comforting and right now is no exception. The nostalgia can be overwhelming at times. Growing up in the 90’s means I’m just old enough to remember life before screens became ubiquitous. Computers were around but they weren’t as common as they are now, and internet access was extremely limited. Cell phones were virtually nonexistent and I didn’t get my first one until toward the end of my time in high school. Now lots of kids play with and even are given cell phones, tablet computers, and near unlimited internet access before they can walk. Seeing so much change in so many ways over such a short amount of time has made my life feel a lot longer. Additionally, the increasing complexities of life have made me long for the simpler days of my youth, seemingly more than people from previous generations who didn’t see as much change over as short a time as I have.
I’ve been thinking lately that going through each day and my life in general with more of a sense of play would be real nice. That’s what I did as a kid and then eventually stopped doing in most situations. Even as a kid, I may not have enjoyed certain things at times but I got through them, moved past them, and moved onto other things as they came up. Why can’t I still do that now? I haven’t been practicing this for very long at the time of this writing so I don’t fully know how it’s going to play out, but even just coming up with the idea helped me feel a lot better. The little bit I’ve done to implement it has also made a big difference. I’ll keep up with it and let you know how it goes. I hope this helps you in some way.
All of this makes me feel like I’m regaining a sense of innocence. Innocence is a powerful, wonderful thing. There’s so much that I didn’t know and didn’t understand as a kid. So much stuff that I didn’t even know I didn’t know. I’ve learned a lot since then but I know that I’ll never know it all. Even with a lot of the stuff that I’ve learned, it’s often left me with more questions than answers and brought me into whole new areas of thought that I had never considered before. Preserving some innocence even into adulthood is a great thing. Not trying to figure it all out or know or understand or control it all. Being content for there to be some mysteries that’ll never be explained and some puzzles that’ll never be completed.
In this James Rolfe video, one of the things he said that really stuck out to me is how he misses being more naive and less critical. That to me is part of innocence; being content with what you’ve got without demanding or expecting better. Less input from the judging mind. That’s something I’m working on getting back: if not fully judgement free, then at least judging less and having more gratitude. Even if something could be better, I can still enjoy it for what it is. A meal doesn’t have to be delicious for it to taste good. An event doesn’t have to be the most fun thing ever for it to be worth the time. And my friendships don’t have to be perfect for them to be meaningful. Less criticism and more appreciation leads to a more enjoyable life. That’s a lot of what innocence is to me.
This season of my life seems to be dedicated to releasing old emotions, healing and reconciling relationships, and letting go of what’s holding me back. It’s been incredibly painful at times and I’ve often felt like I had no future. Somehow, I’ve managed to keep going despite all of that. Recent trips down memory lane have reminded me of some incredibly hard times I’ve overcome, even when it seemed like I was stuck for good. Those reminders have been essential as I walk down this new path. The same goes for the reminders of the good times that happened before, during, and after the hard times. There are plenty of good times ahead, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
All the inner child work I’ve done is helping me with all of this, particularly by reminding me to talk kindly and lovingly to myself as a gentle parent would. There’s so much cruelty in the world and I’ve spent way too much of my life being cruel to myself. If there’s one place I can find peace, it should be within myself. That’s been wonderful to remember and practice once again. Strange how it’s so beneficial yet so hard to do consistently. The more I do it, the better I feel and the more capable I am of handling obstacles both big and small. It’s always a pleasant surprise to find that being gentle with myself reveals that most obstacles that seem big are actually quite small; fear makes them appear much bigger. That’s already made me feel much better than I did when I first started writing this post a week or so ago. The past ten years have been challenging, to say the least, but they’ve gotten me to this point. I don’t know how the next ten years will look but I know they’ll be amazing because of the groundwork I’m laying for them right now. Someday I’ll reminisce about this season. I look forward to looking back.