Unsolved problems keep coming back up. This is true from the individual level all the way through the global level. So many problems remain unsolved because one or more parts of any given problem are being ignored. In far too many situations, one person will focus on one part and another person will focus on another but they’ll both ignore each other’s part. Because they can’t find a way to look at all sides of the issue, the problem can’t be solved.
The example of this that best sticks out in my mind is an exchange I once saw on social media about air travel. One person was celebrating how much less expensive flying has become and another was bemoaning the decline in luxury. As the exchange went on, both people essentially repeated their points nearly verbatim with little to no acknowledgment of what the other said. Continually talking past each other like that provided no opportunity for them to come to any kind of agreement, much less do anything to change a situation that at least one of them disliked.
There has to be a way to see the big picture and look at the situation as a whole. It’s extremely helpful when each person acknowledges the problems on their own side and also sees the merits of the other side. The difficult part is how to get there. Here are some things that have allowed me to do this more consistently.
It’s easy for me to see my own perspective as if it’s complete by itself. What’s harder to see are all the pieces that are left out from ignoring other viewpoints. Seeing them requires humbling myself, reminding myself that there is a lot I don’t know, and being willing to change my perspective upon learning accurate and relevant information. After talking with someone else, even if my perspective remains the same overall but now contains additional nuance that makes it more useful, I’m still better off as a result and both of us are a bit closer to a solution.
As I talk about a lot on this blog, working through my deep-seated emotions is crucial in this area. This is how I think about it. Think back to the last time you were verbally fighting with somebody. You had one perspective and they had another. Tensions were high, voices were raised, and emotions were strong. At that point, were you able to set aside your emotions, think calmly, and understand the other person’s perspective? If you could, then please tell the world how you managed to do that. If you’re like most people, however, then you probably couldn’t. In those heightened emotional states, with adrenaline and other stress hormones running through your body, you’re mainly focused either on fighting back or getting out of the situation (other possibilities include freezing or fawning) in the hope of ending the conflict as soon as possible. Whatever perspective you had going in is the same one you’re going to have at the end. It’s only after the situation is deescalated and tensions are relieved that you can look at or accept another perspective. In the heat of the moment, emotions act like a big wall of solid rock. All you can see is your perspective; you can’t see the other perspective on the other side of the rock wall. Once things have settled down a little bit, emotions become like a glass wall; you can see the other perspective but you can’t accept it. After the emotions have mostly or entirely gone away, then there’s no more wall between you and the other perspective, and you’re able to embrace it if you like. That’s why dealing with emotions is important and reframing doesn’t work to deescalate intense situations.
Focusing only on the words while ignoring the emotions underneath is another huge problem. When doing that, it’s far too easy to become stuck in a false story of what the other person believes or wants and miss their actual positions. Nuance is then highly likely to become abandoned entirely as each person digs into increasingly more hyperbolic positions as egoic defense mechanisms; these positions ultimately end up failing to accurately reflect the views of the people holding them as the exchange continues, in addition to putting them more at odds with each other. If this happens, pause as soon as possible and for as long as necessary, examine your underlying concerns, and then ask the other person where they’re coming from. “How can we find a solution to this problem that we both like?” is definitely a useful question to keep in mind and may even be valuable to ask out loud. Depending on how far off the rails the exchange had gone, this may not be enough to save it, but it will at least prevent it from getting worse. Done early enough, it may salvage the situation and make resolution possible.
As important as salvaging the conversation is, it’s even more important to prevent it from going off track int eh first place. Again, emotional work plays a crucial role here. Letting go of a lot of fear has made it way easier for me to listen patiently while someone talks and look for mutually beneficial solutions rather than insisting that I have all the answers. It now takes little to no effort on my part to notice the source of a problem, maintain a good disposition, and work with the other person rather than against them. The civil dialogue that this facilitates is so powerful because it allows us to put our pieces together and gain a holistic view of the situation rather than be stuck with the fragmented views that we’d have if we didn’t come together.
I think this is the only way to solve problems and move forward. Working through one’s own darkness brings healing to that person, which makes possible the kinds of real conversations necessary for healing the world. The more people who do this, the better everything will get. Without this, most people will be stuck in the endless cycle of creating problems, projecting blame onto everyone else, fighting with each other, and creating more problems while calling all of that human nature. That’s the cycle humanity has been in for most of its history but it doesn’t have to continue being that way. Let’s all step out of that cycle, step up our game, and step into a better tomorrow.