Within the past year (and especially the past month), I’ve realized that I’ve spent most of my life being a people pleaser. Overall, I’ve been hesitant to speak or act differently from those around me, and I’ve done a lot of things simply to appease others instead of sticking up for myself. I think this comes from a place of fear. Subconscious fear that someone will hurt me or push me away if I do something they dislike. The desire to fit in and be accepted likely comes from our dependence on one another for survival (except for the few people who grow their own food, have ways to get clean water by themselves, and are truly capable of independent living), so fear of rejection arises from the risk of death that would follow from ostracism. I think everyone has this fear to a certain extent but some people, whether because of their genetics or their life experience, either have more of it or are more controlled by it.
I’ve gradually gotten better at managing this fear. When I know someone well enough, I’m comfortable speaking my mind even if we end up disagreeing. I find this easiest when interacting with friends one-on-one and in small groups. Doing this a lot for several years in a variety of different situations has slowly but surely made me more comfortable going against popular opinions and sticking up for myself. Additionally, getting used to interacting with a wide variety of people and being in situations in which I’ve had to say or do something they didn’t like, such as telling a customer that we’re out of a particular product, has shown me that letting someone down is not the end of the world (outside of cases such as surgery where it’s important to get things right). Most of the time, the worst thing that happens is they feel disappointed for a bit and soon get over it. They’re extremely unlikely to physically attack me or otherwise harm me, and keeping that in mind has taken an enormous weight off my shoulders.
Another realization that I’ve had recently has also helped me avoid people pleasing. If I’ve just met someone and I don’t like how the interaction is going, I don’t have to stick around. I don’t owe them any of my time and I can leave if I want to; I did just that during one interaction within the past few weeks and I felt much better once I was out of that situation. This works especially well when I’m unlikely to interact with someone more than once, so I don’t have to gain their acceptance or approval. Lastly, this video from Charisma on Command (which was uploaded about the same time that I was thinking about all of this) has given me some solid life hacks to avoid people pleasing as well as understand the difference between people pleasing and genuine self-improvement. If you’ve also struggled with people pleasing, then I hope this has been helpful to you and gives you the tools you need to stand up for yourself.