The Tartt Take

Tradition or Change?

Posted on August 28, 2024 by admin

There is a lot of debate over whether it’s better to follow traditional practices or look for new ways of doing things. Let’s explore both of these options.

One potential advantage of following tradition is that an established method for accomplishing a certain task may be the best way of doing that particular thing. If so, then any change would be less effective. Complicated solutions can take a long time to figure out. Humans from years gone by who have done the hard work involved in figuring out those solutions allow you to reap the benefits of their tinkering, toiling, and head-scratching by simply copying their end results. Using the wheel is often better than trying to reinvent it.

A con of following tradition is that it may result in things getting done in an inferior way. A new way of completing a particular task may be better than anything else that’s come before it. While much wisdom has been passed down over time, not everything that’s been passed down is wisdom. Technology that’s now obsolete was once state-of-the-art, and, before it was replaced by something better, was itself a replacement for something older that had run its course. If a superior way of doing things is developed, then the old way becomes obsolete as soon as something better comes along. This is true whether or not that new way becomes standard. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. Bad practices often continue because “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” This occurs in many company policies, laws, family rules, and so on. More on that later.

Another pro of looking for new ways to do things is that new methods may be better than old methods. This is especially relevant when the old methods were developed in response to particular issues that have since fallen by the wayside. In such cases, keeping the old methods is optional. Learning and exploring can often lead to methods that produce better results, and using the new methods that work can allow everyone to enjoy the improved outcomes rather than being stuck with the inferior outcomes as a result of holding onto old methods once they’ve outlived their usefulness.

A con of pursuing new ways is that doing so might lead to abandoning good methods for inferior methods. Not everything new is good, and anyone who fails to keep this in mind can lose sight of good practices and ideas that have been around for ages. Sometimes tried-and-true methods are eliminated for no other reason than wanting to do things differently. Further, there is always some transitional difficulty when moving from an old system to a new system, even if the end result is better than what it replaced. When it is worse than what it replaced, the transitional struggle and the inferiority of the new system can leave many folks wondering why something perfectly good was abandoned for something worse.

Of course, nothing prevents one from following tradition in some cases and coming up with new solutions in others. The problems described above come from taking the all-or-nothing approach of either going entirely with old methods or entirely with new methods. Finding a balance between the two approaches can put an end to all the fights over either extreme approach, find solutions to longstanding problems, and make things better for everyone.

The tricky part is knowing when to stick with the old and when to go for the new. This often involves a lot of trial and error, and things may get worse before they get better. Fortunately, as with all other things, this gets easier with practice. It’s best to try it out in small ways first as failing small is better than failing big. As competence grows, it can be done with bigger and more important decisions.

I know this works because it’s what I do in my own life. There are some things I’ve done for years now because they’ve worked wonderfully for me, and I haven’t found anything better. Occasionally, I’ll find something new that produces better results, so I’ll switch to that. The change doesn’t even have to be big since small changes can produce huge benefits. I’ve also done this at the different places I’ve worked, volunteered, and otherwise put a lot of effort into. I’ll never know how some of my proposed changes would have worked out since they were never implemented. However, I made beneficial changes wherever I could, to the betterment of everyone involved.

All this being said, I do love the comfort and familiarity of a nice tradition. One of many things that was so painful about my dog Sawyer’s death was the loss of all the cherished traditions and routines we’d developed together. Everything from morning and nighttime routines, saying goodbye and hello whenever I left the house, hanging out with each other during free moments, and much more was all gone in a matter of minutes. For my own comfort and healing, I developed a number of new routines after his death based on some of the regular routines we shared. Some of these have fallen away as the pain has decreased, such as the huge focus on self-care to the exclusion of most other things early on. Others have stuck around to this day as my healing journey has progressed to the point that I have reintroduced other things I lost after Sawyer died as a result of seeing that I can handle more than simply surviving without him.

Unfortunately, it seems as if taking the balanced approach I described above is hardly ever done. It’s much more common for someone to either rely almost exclusively on tradition or look for all new ways of doing nearly everything. Further, it’s easy to think that the way things currently are is how they’ve always been and how they’ll always be. Questioning traditions often results in backlash, fights, strained or broken relationships, and general animosity from those who are unwilling to consider alternate methods of doing things. As in all other areas, this just results in those who want change pushing even more strongly in that direction, which causes the same to happen with those who want to preserve traditions, and things escalate ever further away from any potential solution. This is why trying to change the status quo in any significant way almost always fails and why problems that have been around for millennia persist. I see no end to this within my lifetime, so I’m mostly content to continue finding the right balance between maintaining valuable traditions and making useful changes in my own life. I hope you’ll do the same.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People | Tagged change, dog, ideas, routines, Sawyer, tradition, Tradition or Change? | Comments Off

Reciprocity: My Elusive Goal

Posted on August 21, 2024 by admin

There are two similar concepts described in two wonderful books. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey covers what he calls the emotional bank account. Gary Chapman talks about his idea of the love tank in The 5 Love Languages. Both are alike in that they can be added to when someone you interact with regularly does things that make you feel loved and which grows the relationship. Likewise, things that hurt you constitute “withdrawals,” and too many of those will empty the account.

Unfortunately, with some folks I know, my emotional bank account is either near empty or totally empty as they keep withdrawing from it to fill up theirs but never add anything to mine. I have read and heard from many different thinkers on human relationships that the better I treat others, the more likely they are to also treat me well. However, I have only seldom experienced this. Some have treated me awfully even when I’ve gone out of my way to treat them well, and many others will treat me ok despite my treating them wonderfully. This extreme lack of reciprocity is one of several things that has made me far more hesitant to interact with other humans over the last few years.

While there are many ways I’d like others to treat me, a few of them stand above the rest: giving me room to speak, empathic listening, being gentle with me, and keeping the focus on me when I’m in pain. I’ve got a lot to say about each one of these, so I’ll cover them separately.

Listening requires giving someone space to speak, and I get almost none of that. I could give someone else ten or more uninterrupted minutes to talk and, more often than not, they would still interrupt me within ten seconds of me saying something when it finally becomes my turn. Some folks will keep talking over me even if I continue talking through their interruption. By interrupting to give their own opinion about a particular subject before I’ve fully shared mine, they are missing huge chunks of what I want to say, showing more interest in their thoughts than mine, and causing me enough pain to make me far less interested in interacting with them. I’d appreciate it if they gave me as much space to speak as I give them and focused on what I’m saying rather than formulating a response while I’m still talking. This would be a huge breath of fresh air, and I would say much more than I normally do in social situations if it became the norm in my interactions.

When someone does hear what I have to say, I’d like it if they also sought to understand my feelings and experiences underneath those thoughts (such as realizing how my upbringing has given me a great deal of fear in certain social situations but not others). Instead, an incredibly common reaction is to immediately push back, try to change my mind, or outright dismiss what I say. I don’t know why that is. Along with interrupting, it seems as if almost everyone I come across has a compulsion to instantly contradict me. This is even stranger when it comes from someone who has previously complimented my intelligence, creativity, insight, knowledge, and the like.

It’s been common throughout my life for others to jump to hostility as soon as they hear something they think they disagree with or dislike. Note I said they *think* because, until they hear my whole point, they don’t actually know what I’m saying or where I’m going with it. As bad as hostility arising from an assumption is, it’s still bad even when it comes after hearing and understanding the other person’s point. Once someone has become hostile, it’s incredibly difficult to defuse it and get the conversation back onto a productive track. The larger the amount of hostility, the harder this becomes, and the more likely the whole interaction will devolve into a fight. I hate fighting and I feel awful whenever someone acts toward me with hostility instead of being gentle, patient, and considerate, as I do for at least those close to me and often those whom I’ve never met before. I’m convinced that one reason so many people tell me their life stories is because I’m quiet while they talk and rarely push back against any of it. That makes them feel safe to say nearly anything to me. I wish they would create that same sense of safety for me.

I hate how common it is for me to express some kind of emotional pain and for someone else to respond by sharing similar pain. I’ve heard this a lot since my dog Sawyer died. So many have said, both online and in person, that they can “relate” to how I’m feeling and then talked about the death of one or more beloved animal friends. That just makes me feel worse. In addition to the focus now being turned onto them and away from me, I then feel doubly sad after hearing bad news while already feeling sad. Rarely does anyone ask what emotions I feel, inquire as to how they can help, or offer to sit quietly with me. I’d prefer any of those to constantly taking a backseat to nearly everyone else in conversation. It’s bad enough when that happens during the good times. It hurts even more when that happens during an extremely painful time for me.

Hardly anyone I know gives me what I’m looking for. Most of those who almost get there live far away from me, don’t get to interact with me that much, and still fall short of what I like. For every one person who comes close, it seems I have to deal with a dozen or more who fall way short. No matter what I say or do, they’ll make any number of excuses about why they’re either unable or unwilling to honor my requests and might even chastise me for wanting to be treated differently. They then carry on exactly as they did before, as if they were running some program that keeps them on a pre-planned track regardless of what pops up.

What will it take for me to get as good as I give? I often wonder, and that wonder often leads to despair as I’ve learned that others are going to do as they like regardless of what I request. They’ll only treat me in a particular way if that’s how they like to act, and if the way they like to act is different than how I like to be treated, then I’m out of luck. All I can do is state how I’d like to be treated and then set boundaries against anyone who treats me in ways I dislike. I’ve gotten pretty good at boundaries over the last few years, and I’m getting better at stating my requests. I’ll continue improving at both making requests as well as setting and maintaining boundaries since humanity in general seem to still be on a downward spiral, and I’m not holding my breath that that will change anytime soon.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Great Books, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged boundaries, dog, emotional bank account, emotions, empathic listening, Gary Chapman, love tank, pain, reciprocity, Reciprocity: My Elusive Goal, Sawyer, Stephen Covey, The 5 Love Languages, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People | Comments Off

Madness

Posted on August 14, 2024 by admin

It’s getting crazier out there

Everyone walks around as if in a daze

Constantly distracted

Missing the present

Focused solely on the future

Speaking much but saying little

Responding without listening

Laughing when no jokes are told

Seeking without ever finding

Acting content yet feeling incomplete

Smiling to cover up their pain

Slow to hear

Swift to speak

Swift to wrath

Vessels for ideas without being aware of it

Wishing to stay asleep and resisting those who try to wake them

Humans are weird

While animals make perfect sense

Especially dogs

They keep it simple

They get it

While even humans who know it tend to forget it

I wish Sawyer were still alive so we could hang out together

And avoid the humans

Who bring all the craziness into my life

Changing those humans has always failed

I’ve mostly given up trying

Plan C is to recover my lost peace

And secure it so deeply within myself

That nobody can ever again take it from me

A mission to last me the rest of my life

Until, one way or another, it is accomplished

Posted in Inspirational People | Tagged animals, craziness, dog, humans, Madness, pain, peace, Sawyer, weirdness | Comments Off

7 Books for Life

Posted on August 7, 2024 by admin

I spent a few years working on a book about effective communication. There were also some parts about healthy emotional management and mindfulness. I had such high hopes that it would inspire many to do things differently and offer guidance on better ways to relate to others and to themselves. At this point, I haven’t worked on the book in at least a year, I hardly ever think about it, and I plan to leave it where it was when I last looked at it. Given how bad things have gotten in the last four years and how they seem to continue getting worse, I’ve given up. Nobody seems that interested in what I have to say on anything, whether in person, through this blog, or elsewhere on the internet. I’m not going to go through the stress, difficulty, and insane amount of work to finish writing that book, edit it, publish it, market it, and then hope that enough folks will read it and apply what they’ve read to make the world vastly better than it is now. With how disappointed I feel at how little impact my work thus far seems to have had and how frustrating it is when my ideas fall on deaf ears, I don’t want to put myself through even more disappointment by putting in all that work only to see it go nowhere.

Fortunately, instead of waiting around endlessly for a book that will never exist, there are other options. One of them is to continue reading my blog. In fact, huge sections of the rough drafts of my potential book were made up of blog posts I’d written long before I ever started writing the book, so you can already access much of the material on this very website. Another option is to read some of the books I’ve recommended in various posts since 2018. They’ve inspired me, allowed me to overcome many lifelong struggles, and are extremely similar to what was going into the book I was writing (although written much better than anything I can put out on these subjects). Without further ado, here is my list.

Letting Go. Wonderful book by David Hawkins on emotions and how to handle them in healthy ways. This is the most life-changing book I’ve ever read. I credit what I learned from it with allowing me to survive my dog Sawyer’s death, along with all the other insane occurrences over the last four years. I reread this book cover-to-cover every year and occasionally reference certain parts if I’m having major struggles. Every time I look at it, I find something encouraging and practical. Without Letting Go, I doubt I’d still be here, and I’m certain that I’d have never recovered from some of the most deeply painful experiences of my life.
Homecoming. My second-favorite book on healing. John Bradshaw gives lots of exercises to get in touch with, heal, and reclaim your inner child. I still find myself using one or more of the exercises as needed, whether it’s to keep me in a good place or help me get out of a bad place. This book helps me be gentle to myself, which is often exactly what I need to feel better and get into a better position.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If I had to pick one book on this list to use for the rest of my life, this would be it. Stephen Covey knocked it out of the park here. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People covers communication, self-care, resolving conflicts, planning, becoming the person you want to be, and so much more. While some of the other books on this list go focus heavily on one particular issue, and thus cover it in greater detail than this book does, I still love this book and see it as a general reference guide for life.
Nonviolent Communication. My favorite communication book. Marshall Rosenberg did an incredible job at showing the importance and power of focusing on feelings and needs, especially in tense situations. This one trick often allows me to understand where someone else is coming from when everything else has failed. If everyone could accomplish even half of what this book encourages, the world would be a much more peaceful and loving place.
Never Split the Difference. Another excellent communication book, this one by former hostage negotiator Chris Voss. It’s full of great stuff about empathic listening, building rapports with others, and trying to make the best of a bad situation. Effective communication can often seem like magic, and Never Split the Difference is quite the magical book.
Crucial Conversations. The last communication book on this list. In addition to sharing many wonderful things from the previous communication books, this one focuses a lot on safety in communication. Since safety is still such a rarity, especially in difficult exchanges, Crucial Conversations remains an incredibly valuable resource.
Boundaries. John Cloud and Henry Townsend beautifully define and explore what it looks like to set limits on what you’re willing to accept from others (extremely important as many have no limits regarding what they’ll demand of others). Because of emotional and communication struggles from a young age, boundaries have been a lifelong challenge for me. By itself, this book has given me a major boost in the boundary department. The other books on this list have taken my boundaries even further by giving me more courage to set and maintain boundaries as well as improved communication skills to articulate my requests and limits. I love Boundaries and hope that what it has taught me will continue to improve my own boundaries in each area of life.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Great Books, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged 7 Books for Life, books, boundaries, Chris Voss, Crucial Conversations, David Hawkins, dog, emotions, Henry Townsend, Homecoming, John Bradshaw, John Cloud, Letting Go, Marshall Rosenberg, Never Split the Difference, Nonviolent Communication, pain, Sawyer, Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People | Comments Off

More of My Thoughts on Welcoming the Mess

Posted on July 31, 2024 by admin

A few years ago, I wrote about the importance of welcoming the mess when making improvements. I’d like to talk more about that as I’ve gained some new insights since writing that previous post.

So many things get worse before they get better. Avoiding the mess means avoiding progress, in addition to making an even bigger mess down the line. Often, issues that end up becoming massive and destructive start out small and manageable. This happens often in relationships. When the issues never get addressed, they fester and build resentment and eventually grow to the point that they destroy the relationship. This is incredibly common when one or more humans involved is more concerned with appearing as if everything is ok than actually going through the discomfort of making things ok, especially parents who have strained relationships with their kids.

I’ve thought a lot about this lately with regard to my beard. While it looks fine to me on some days and I’ve gotten a number of compliments on it recently, I generally dislike how it looks right now, especially on the sides. What’s bringing me some comfort in this area is the hope that as my beard grows out more and especially once it gets to a sufficient length, it will look much better than it currently does. I might try using some beard balm in the meantime to get the sides more in line with how I’d like them to look.

On a more serious note, there is the pain from my dog Sawyer’s death. Crying almost all day every day for months after he died made me feel better as the sadness gradually shrank. There were many past experiences in which I felt as upset months afterward as I did the day those experiences happened. I didn’t feel better until I fully welcomed all the pain and feelings. Knowing that, I went completely into the pain around Sawyer’s death without resisting any of it. If I had wanted to go directly from feeling the worst pain of my life to feeling much better without first going through the messiness of tears, depression, fear of the future, and wanting to do little to nothing for long periods of time, I would never have gotten there. Only by going through the mess and welcoming every part of it was I able to eventually feel better. Although recovering from Sawyer’s death took well over a year because the pain was so huge, facing it finally allowed me to get to a place of peace.

Much of my life is still a mess, and it often seems as if that will never change. All that I do in those situations is welcome whatever feelings arise and focus on what I can do to make things better. On my hardest days, this often looks like a hot bath with a cool cloth over my eyes, 432 Hz music playing nearby, and a lit candle followed by a cold shower and plenty of time to myself. Usually, I can get by with much less, even if something uncomfortable arises. I hope that continuing to heal the deep pain from my upbringing as it slowly thaws out will allow me to clean up areas of my life that are currently incredibly messy.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People | Tagged dog, emotions, growth, healing, messes, More of My Thoughts on Welcoming the Mess, pain, progress, Sawyer | Comments Off

To Share or Not to Share?

Posted on July 24, 2024 by admin

For years, I’ve hoped to make a difference through writing. This was the case even before I started this blog in late 2018, although that hope has grown ever larger since then.

I love sharing what I’ve learned, whether from my own experience or someone else’s. One of my hopes in doing so is that others can avoid making some of the mistakes I’ve made and learn some painful lessons the easy way by reading about how I learned them the hard way. I’ve been able to avoid many painful situations by learning from others who haven’t, and I’d love to give others that same opportunity.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen little to no implementation of things I’ve written about, even from those who’ve spoken positively about my posts. This is often discouraging for me, especially when those close to me who have read and complimented my work still don’t seem to use the life hacks I discuss. Even more baffling is when they’ve gone further by talking about my intelligence, understanding, insight, etc., and still don’t seem to even attempt to practice what I preach. Why bother sharing what’s important to me if nobody else cares? That Cassandra Curse is why I’ve largely given up trying to persuade anyone of anything or even make the case for something I believe if it’s different to what someone nearby me believes.

Sometimes I wonder why I continue this blog. One answer is that it’s a habit, and habits are hard for me to break once I’ve been doing them for many years. A nicer answer is that having a blog has given me a way to get my ideas out there without the interruptions, immediate dismissals, general frustrations, and even occasional fights that have accompanied past attempts to share my ideas outside of the internet. That’s why, whether or not anyone else uses anything from it, I plan to keep sharing my experiences in this blog. I enjoy doing it and it helps me organize my feelings, thoughts, and ideas, and lets me keep track of my progress in life, especially with regard to healing from my dog Sawyer’s death (this blog is also great for keeping his memory alive). Whether or not anyone else gets anything out of it, that’s enough reason for me to keep at it.

Posted in Inspirational People | Tagged blog, dog, ideas, Sawyer, sharing, sharing ideas, To Share or Not to Share?, writing | Comments Off

A Christmas Story Life

Posted on July 17, 2024 by admin

A Christmas Story is one of my favorite Christmas movies. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, here’s a brief overview. A kid named Ralphie desperately wants a BB gun for Christmas and goes to great lengths to convince others that he should get one. Along the way, both he and those close to him have several mini adventures involving, among other things, a secret decoder pin, a visit with Santa at a local store, and plenty of fantastic daydreams. I recently realized that my life is like A Christmas Story in that there is a primary goal I pursue while also going on smaller adventures.

My primary goal is living a peaceful life through healing as much emotional pain as possible. I’ve written at length about that in other posts, so I’ll keep it to a minimum in this one. As for my mini adventures, I generally pursue them through several routines which vary somewhat by day, week, and month. Some things I do every day, such as spending time by my dog Sawyer’s grave in the morning and again at night. I like to go to the local zoo once a week, usually the day after I visit a nearby mall and puppy store. At least a few times a month, I’ll go out swing dancing, whether in town or elsewhere. There are also the two juggling meetings I host every month. Occasionally, I’ll have something quite different pop up, such as a juggling gig or big birthday party for a friend. As long as I still have enough time for most of my usual routines, those occasional experiences are a fun way to shake things up, even if any given activity only takes up a small fraction of my day.

I much prefer this to the times in my life in which I had only a few activities going on. During one such span of time, I had few to no hobbies, events, or social interactions outside of work. My workdays involved a quick gym visit before spending most of the day at work and then decompressing for a bit at home before going to bed. Days off mostly consisted of doing as little as possible at home. As a result, those days largely blended together and seemed to pass by incredibly quickly. Having a variety of activities happening every week keeps me more engaged with life, allows me to more easily recover from painful events, and makes time move slower. There were a few recent days in which I did more than usual or some activities that I don’t normally do. That novelty made those days feel like four or more days each. Since time seems to be moving faster all the time, having more long, lovely days is a welcome change of pace. I hope to have many more ahead of me.

Posted in Adventures, Great Movies, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged A Christmas Story, A Christmas Story Life, adventures, dog, routines, Sawyer, time | Comments Off

Joker, Cruelty, Despair, and Hope

Posted on July 10, 2024 by admin

In 2019, I wrote about some of my takeaways from Joker immediately after seeing the movie. I go so much out of that movie that still sticks with me to this day. Rewatching it at home earlier this year took me back to seeing it for the first time in theaters many years ago and reminded me of how much humans affect each other in their interactions. Unfortunately, while I got a lot out of Joker, it seems almost nobody else did. Here’s what I mean by that.

Nobody seems to have learned the central message of Joker: treating those most in need of help like trash, in addition to being awful, makes life worse for everyone. It still hurts to think of all the cruelty that escalated or was created less than six months after that movie was released and is still going on to this day. Impatience, yelling, hostility, violence, separation, refusal to listen and understand, etc. The things that some folks will do and say to each other shocks me. It’s worse now than at any other time in my life, and it seems to get worse every year.

As usual, the media did its fair share of harm here. Rather than look at what the movie had to say, media outlets seemed more interested in endlessly predicting violence at screenings prior to the movie’s release. As they often do when they’re wrong, they issued no retractions or apologies when nothing happened, made no changes to their practices moving forward, learned nothing from the movie’s message, and continued demonizing both the film and those who might get something out of it while working overtime to cause further division among humans.

The oddest part is how much of that cruelty is coming from those who were (and sometimes still are) talking about love triumphing over hatred. Joker premiered in October of 2019. For several years leading up to 2019, there had been some relative peace after a huge wave of hatred. For the last four years, that hatred and cruelty have come back with a vengeance. At this point, those who were once talking so much about love seem to only give that to certain arbitrary groups of humans; anyone outside those groups receives only scorn, mockery, violence, attempts to destroy their livelihood, or some combination of the above. If that’s their idea of love, then I’d hate to see what they think constitutes hatred.

What saddens me the most about all this is that I’ve seen it in a number of humans I know. Whether I saw only small glimpses of it in them during years past or none of it at all, it hurts to see it in full force now. I thought better of them, and I hope they turn over a new leaf before the hatred fully engulfs them. I also hope that this won’t infect anyone else I know, whether I’ve known them for a short time or a long time. That’s why I’m being more careful about who I get close to. A good rule of thumb I’ve heard in the romantic world is that it’s wise to see someone in every season of the year and every season of life (health, sickness, rich, poor, good mood, bad mood, things going well, things going poorly) instead of rushing in to marry them. The same applies for becoming close friends with someone and trusting them fully.

I’m hesitant to welcome new humans into my life at this point, even as acquaintances. I’ve gotten hurt deeply enough and often enough by those who said they cared about me yet acted in ways that gradually made me realize they didn’t to fear almost everyone, including those I already know. Thus, I tend to keep mostly to myself, say little, and stick to subjects that are relatively safe (meaning that a difference of opinion won’t result in someone yelling, hitting me, or wanting to no longer have anything to do with me). Whether I’m in a good or bad place emotionally, I want to avoid feeling worse by being around cruel humans. Since I never know who will be cruel from the start, turn cruel later on, or reveal cruelty that was previously hidden, this can create a great deal of loneliness. I’d take that loneliness, though, over being constantly baffled and largely disappointed by most humans I’ve come across.

Calling this “the human condition” does nothing useful. At best, it’s a poor attempt to explain what’s going on and why it’s happened for so much of human history. At worst, it treats it as inevitable and guarantees that it will continue happening by discouraging anyone from putting forth any serious effort at finding solutions to longstanding problems. In either case, I’ve always found it unsatisfactory and continue looking for other options.

It was hard enough dealing with this stuff when the world made a little more sense than it currently does. It’s much harder now that it’s gone totally off the rails and my dog Sawyer isn’t around to comfort me and make me a better human anymore. Fortunately, I have a number of close friends who have repeatedly shown that they care about me and are trustworthy in all seasons of life. Whether I’m in a good season and they’re in a bad season, vice versa, or we’re both in the same boat, we are there for each other. Along with the emotional healing, healthy eating, and beard care I’ve done, my friends have helped change my 2024 from a year that is incredibly rocky to incredibly stable. That’s making it easier to address the deepest emotional pain, plan for my future, and take positive steps toward a better life in all areas.

This is all reminiscent of the show After Life. It follows a man who struggling with deep grief, depression, anger, and sorrow over his wife’s death. No matter where he is in his journey or how he’s doing in any given moment, he still gets lots of love and support from those close to him. The love and support I’ve received from a handful of solid humans and animals is a big part of what has allowed me to continue as well as I have since Sawyer’s death. As I’m rewatching it now, it’s also helping me have more compassion toward myself and gently identify behaviors in myself that I’d rather change. I’m not holding my breath that this will change the world for the better. Those days are long gone for me. I am hoping that it will continue making my small pocket of the world a bit nicer for me and those close to me. We’ll see how that goes.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Great Movies, Inspirational People | Tagged After Life, cruelty, despair, dog, emotions, friends, friendship, hatred, Joker, Joker Cruelty Despair and Hope, loneliness, mental health, movies, pain, Sawyer | Comments Off

Prepare for Peace

Posted on July 3, 2024 by admin

“If you want peace, prepare for war.” That is a fairly popular quote based on a similar sentiment expressed by Publius Vegetius Renatus. Despite its popularity, I see some problems with it. Here’s my take on the phrase.

By itself, the quote seems short-sighted. If there’s a larger context to the quote that adds useful information, then I’d have to rethink this. At face value, however, preparing to fight without doing anything to prepare for peace just results in more fights as each fight lays the groundwork for the next fight. It’s gotten so bad that there are now powerful enough weapons to kill all humans and most other life on Earth (and there have been many instances in which that has almost happened). Clearly, preparing to fight has done nothing to bring peace.

The strangest part of this to me is that many who agree with this quote also seem to believe that pursuing peace will backfire and result in violence, destruction, and the loss of everything good. I don’t see how anyone can actually believe that cultivating anything related to love, gentleness, peace, tranquility, civility, effective communication, de-escalation, nonviolent conflict resolution, psychology, and the like will result in more violence. Especially when they believe that cultivating violence, aggression, and different ways to hurt others (new and old alike) will result in peace. That is the opposite of how it actually works. Those who get good at fighting and never get good at peace end up seeing fighting as the solution for every problem, whether on the small scale or large scale. Families whose interactions often involve violence, yelling, punishment, and other acts of cruelty have frequent fights, and the fighting tends to get passed down through many generations. The same is true for countries that feature lots of fighting among civilians, whether within one single country or between different countries. Similarly, the more peacefully humans interact with each other, the less fighting there is, whether between members of a family, civilians in different countries, or any other gathering of humans.

There are martial artists who, along with their fighting skills, develop respect for others and learn ways to avoid fights. As a result, most of them never need to use their skills in a defensive situation, and those who do turn to violence do so only as a last resort. Most of the martial artists I’ve met only use violence when they’re training with each other. A few of them have used violence in the real world to defend themselves when escaping, de-escalation, and other approaches failed, but those instances have been few and far between.

My best relationships didn’t become amazing through fighting or being prepared to fight at any given moment. They’re as good as they are because they’re with humans who can work through problems peacefully. If an issue arises between me and a friend, either of us can bring it up in a civil way and then we’ll work together to resolve it. There is a huge sense of safety in those relationships, and I love it. My worst relationships, meanwhile, featured fighting as the primary, and often only, response to problems. There was no safety, no actual love, and no lasting peace. I hated it, and I want none of that in any of my relationships going forward. If you examine the relationships you’ve had over your life, I suspect your experience and preferences with both good and bad relationships will be similar.

This has been on my mind since I joined a social media group dedicated to grownups who love teddy bears and other stuffed animal friends. Many members have one or more stuffed animals who have been with them from a young age, and several continue to collect new ones as they go. I love being part of that incredibly sweet group, and I love the company of my stuffed animal friends, whether they’ve been with me for a few years or since I was a little kid. Cultivating sweetness like that with stuffed animals is bound to spill over into interactions with real animals and humans (as it did with my dog Sawyer, who was my best friend ever, as well as my best human friends), making it a great way to bring more peace to a hurting world.

I long for the day in which humans not only no longer prepare to fight each other but never even think to do so. Were such a day to arrive, I have no idea how many generations it would take, how much healing would have to be done, and how many peaceful methods of solving problems and resolving conflict would be needed. The relationships in my life that have gone from contentious to peaceful have required conscious effort and lots of work on both my part and that of the other person. That’s been hard enough to do between only two humans, so I’m not holding my breath for it to happen between billions of humans anytime soon. I still hope that huge progress will be made in that direction during my life. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I can to prepare for peace with those close to me.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged dog, fighting, love, peace, Prepare for Peace, Sawyer, stuffed animals, violence | Comments Off

4 Useful Realizations

Posted on June 26, 2024 by admin

Things have been going wonderfully overall for me lately. Along with that have been some interesting realizations. Here are some of them.

Combative humans need not apply. Dealing with many who turn every issue into a fight for my entire upbringing taught me that I have to engage with them, whether it’s by giving in to what they want or fighting to get my way. Now, I know that I don’t have to put up with anyone who chooses to fight. I can just refuse to talk to them until/unless they speak in a civil way with me. That saves me from the exhausting task of being the only one interested in understanding what’s going on, translating it to the other person, staying calm, and focusing on finding a solution rather than needlessly escalating the problem.
My boundaries are improving. From what I choose to say in a conversation, how I say it, and who I say it to, I’m feeling much more comfortable reserving the ability to make those decisions for myself instead of giving it to anyone else. There is also less interest in getting anyone to understand or approve of me since I’m growing in both understanding and approval of myself all the time. It’s wonderful being my own best company as I rarely feel lonely when I’m by myself, and it allows me to pick peaceful solitude over stressful socializing.
I need more sleep. I’ve been missing enough sleep lately to feel excessively tired in the morning and often end up taking unintended naps during the day (some of which are long enough, late enough, or both to hurt my sleep that night). Fortunately, I feel much better today since I went to bed about half an hour earlier than usual last night and slept well. I’m planning to make that a nightly habit as this experience has reminded me how important it is to get enough quality sleep every night.
These are the new good times. After years of pain, heartache, and misery, so much has improved. So many things in my life are either in a good place or are moving in that direction. I’ve heard many folks say that their 30s were better than their 20s. Since I’m in my early 30s and my 20s were insane, I find that notion extremely comforting, and it also seems to fit with what’s been happening for me as of late. As much as I wish my dog Sawyer were still here to join me in this new decade and life situation, and as sad as I feel knowing that he won’t be part of whatever new good times happen from here on out, I’m still enjoying the good stuff as it’s happening, and I hope Sawyer would feel pleased with the peace I feel and how I’m doing now.

Posted in Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged 4 Useful Realizations, boundaries, dog, fighting, peace, Sawyer, sleep | Comments Off