There are two similar concepts described in two wonderful books. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey covers what he calls the emotional bank account. Gary Chapman talks about his idea of the love tank in The 5 Love Languages. Both are alike in that they can be added to when someone you interact with regularly does things that make you feel loved and which grows the relationship. Likewise, things that hurt you constitute “withdrawals,” and too many of those will empty the account.
Unfortunately, with some folks I know, my emotional bank account is either near empty or totally empty as they keep withdrawing from it to fill up theirs but never add anything to mine. I have read and heard from many different thinkers on human relationships that the better I treat others, the more likely they are to also treat me well. However, I have only seldom experienced this. Some have treated me awfully even when I’ve gone out of my way to treat them well, and many others will treat me ok despite my treating them wonderfully. This extreme lack of reciprocity is one of several things that has made me far more hesitant to interact with other humans over the last few years.
While there are many ways I’d like others to treat me, a few of them stand above the rest: giving me room to speak, empathic listening, being gentle with me, and keeping the focus on me when I’m in pain. I’ve got a lot to say about each one of these, so I’ll cover them separately.
Listening requires giving someone space to speak, and I get almost none of that. I could give someone else ten or more uninterrupted minutes to talk and, more often than not, they would still interrupt me within ten seconds of me saying something when it finally becomes my turn. Some folks will keep talking over me even if I continue talking through their interruption. By interrupting to give their own opinion about a particular subject before I’ve fully shared mine, they are missing huge chunks of what I want to say, showing more interest in their thoughts than mine, and causing me enough pain to make me far less interested in interacting with them. I’d appreciate it if they gave me as much space to speak as I give them and focused on what I’m saying rather than formulating a response while I’m still talking. This would be a huge breath of fresh air, and I would say much more than I normally do in social situations if it became the norm in my interactions.
When someone does hear what I have to say, I’d like it if they also sought to understand my feelings and experiences underneath those thoughts (such as realizing how my upbringing has given me a great deal of fear in certain social situations but not others). Instead, an incredibly common reaction is to immediately push back, try to change my mind, or outright dismiss what I say. I don’t know why that is. Along with interrupting, it seems as if almost everyone I come across has a compulsion to instantly contradict me. This is even stranger when it comes from someone who has previously complimented my intelligence, creativity, insight, knowledge, and the like.
It’s been common throughout my life for others to jump to hostility as soon as they hear something they think they disagree with or dislike. Note I said they *think* because, until they hear my whole point, they don’t actually know what I’m saying or where I’m going with it. As bad as hostility arising from an assumption is, it’s still bad even when it comes after hearing and understanding the other person’s point. Once someone has become hostile, it’s incredibly difficult to defuse it and get the conversation back onto a productive track. The larger the amount of hostility, the harder this becomes, and the more likely the whole interaction will devolve into a fight. I hate fighting and I feel awful whenever someone acts toward me with hostility instead of being gentle, patient, and considerate, as I do for at least those close to me and often those whom I’ve never met before. I’m convinced that one reason so many people tell me their life stories is because I’m quiet while they talk and rarely push back against any of it. That makes them feel safe to say nearly anything to me. I wish they would create that same sense of safety for me.
I hate how common it is for me to express some kind of emotional pain and for someone else to respond by sharing similar pain. I’ve heard this a lot since my dog Sawyer died. So many have said, both online and in person, that they can “relate” to how I’m feeling and then talked about the death of one or more beloved animal friends. That just makes me feel worse. In addition to the focus now being turned onto them and away from me, I then feel doubly sad after hearing bad news while already feeling sad. Rarely does anyone ask what emotions I feel, inquire as to how they can help, or offer to sit quietly with me. I’d prefer any of those to constantly taking a backseat to nearly everyone else in conversation. It’s bad enough when that happens during the good times. It hurts even more when that happens during an extremely painful time for me.
Hardly anyone I know gives me what I’m looking for. Most of those who almost get there live far away from me, don’t get to interact with me that much, and still fall short of what I like. For every one person who comes close, it seems I have to deal with a dozen or more who fall way short. No matter what I say or do, they’ll make any number of excuses about why they’re either unable or unwilling to honor my requests and might even chastise me for wanting to be treated differently. They then carry on exactly as they did before, as if they were running some program that keeps them on a pre-planned track regardless of what pops up.
What will it take for me to get as good as I give? I often wonder, and that wonder often leads to despair as I’ve learned that others are going to do as they like regardless of what I request. They’ll only treat me in a particular way if that’s how they like to act, and if the way they like to act is different than how I like to be treated, then I’m out of luck. All I can do is state how I’d like to be treated and then set boundaries against anyone who treats me in ways I dislike. I’ve gotten pretty good at boundaries over the last few years, and I’m getting better at stating my requests. I’ll continue improving at both making requests as well as setting and maintaining boundaries since humanity in general seem to still be on a downward spiral, and I’m not holding my breath that that will change anytime soon.
