Sometimes I see or hear messages about “taking up space.” Although they’re occasionally in line with my approach to this, they’re usually vastly different. I’d like to explore some of my thoughts on this, including how it can be done well and how it can be done poorly.
To start, taking up space applies to one’s own space, not to someone else’s space. Aside from feeling upset when being on the receiving end of someone else taking up my space, I dislike seeing it happen to anyone else. Before giving examples of what I consider to be properly taking up one’s own space, I’ll give some examples of taking up someone else’s space. This can be done physically, such as getting much closer to someone than the person is comfortable with or violating their physical boundaries after they’ve been verbalized (such as hugging someone who has just said they don’t want to be hugged). Not everyone is ok with being physically touched, and even those who are comfortable with it tend to prefer giving permission for it and ending it when they are ready for it to be over.
Some examples of verbally taking up someone else’s space are interrupting others, not letting anyone else speak, repeatedly asking someone prying questions after they’ve said they don’t want to answer them, and trying to force a difficult conversation with someone after they’ve said they aren’t up to it at the moment and has asked to return to it later. Verbal space violations can be especially difficult to counter if one can’t get a word in edgewise to ask for more room to talk, change the subject, or safely express their feelings in a tense situation.
Similarly, properly taking up space can be done both physically and verbally. Examples of physically taking up space are staying where you are without moving if someone else is nearby and can easily get around you, moving away from someone who is making you feel uncomfortable and continues doing so even after you’ve asked them to stop, leaving an event when you are ready to leave without apologizing or needing permission to go, and moving out of someone’s way without apologizing if they request to get by. The last point is something I’ve gotten better at; I used to subconsciously believe that it was wrong to accidentally be in someone’s way, so I would take up as little room as possible and apologize when someone wanted to get by me, as if I was in the wrong for simply existing somewhere. I sometimes see folks apologize on occasion for this and I always hope they know that they’re doing nothing wrong by being where they are.
Verbal examples of taking up your own space include finishing what you’re saying even if others attempt to interrupt, using words to set and maintain boundaries, and letting someone know if they’re making you feel uncomfortable and asking them to stop. All of those are best done sooner rather than later. Although it can be tricky to find the courage to do them, the earlier they’re done, the better the chances they can be done effectively; waiting until one’s breaking point often results in yelling, fighting, hurt feelings, and strained relationships.
Examples of taking up space that could fall into either category or a different one altogether include not needing permission to exist, interacting with others in ways that are good for everyone involved, and doing what’s good for yourself without having to get someone else’s approval.
One reason it can be so difficult to find proper balance with all of this is because almost everyone seems to have been subjected to poor examples of boundaries during their formative years. Additionally, there is often punishment for kids who attempt to take up their own space or set boundaries with their parents, siblings, extended family members, teachers, classmates, and so on. Some folks who were punished early in life for taking up their own space may overcorrect later on by going beyond their own space to the point that they take up the space of others. On the other extreme, folks punished for taking up the space of others may think they can’t rightly take up even their own space. It can take years of healing and working at this to learn how to take up one’s own space while letting others do the same with their space.
My dog Sawyer helped me learn how to take up my own space while respecting the space of others. He gave me clear indications whenever he wanted to be by himself, sit or lie down with me, go outside, and so on. As our friendship grew, he also got good at knowing when I needed support and when to give me space. Although these signals could be given aggressively from both of us early on, they gradually became more subtle as we grew closer. Sawyer’s examples showed me how to set and maintain boundaries effectively without going overboard, and he did this better than most humans I’ve seen teaching these.
This can still be challenging at times. I’m grateful to have gotten as far as I have with it, and I’m glad that I generally make good use of the opportunities to practice boundaries and taking up space as they arise. It’s hard to tell how anyone else is doing. Taking up the space of others and not taking up one’s own space are both incredibly difficult to avoid after the difficult upbringings that so many have had. Generally, overcorrection seems more common, at least from what I’ve seen over the past few years. In time, I hope I and everyone else can fully settle into our own spaces with proper boundaries.