I’ve thought a lot about honesty over the past few years. Since there’s been a lot of time for my thoughts around it to settle, I’m ready to talk about it in this post. Here’s my take on honesty.
Before I go further, I’ll say what I mean by “honesty” as it seems to mean different things to different people. I consider honesty to be saying what you consider to be true. As for truth, I consider that to be that which is in alignment with reality. That means that honesty and telling the truth are two different things. Nobody knows the entire truth, so even if you believe everything you say, you might still say something mistaken and thus fail to tell the truth. I wouldn’t consider that lying, however, as I consider lying to be saying something you believe to be false as if you believe it were true.
Contrary to what some maintain, I reject the notion that avoiding saying what’s on my mind is lying. Similarly, I reject the notion that “honesty” requires saying everything one thinks. If I were to do that, nobody would tell me anything in confidence as I would share everyone’s secrets. Nor would I be able to protect someone in a dangerous situation by withholding information (such as refusing to tell an abusive person where their spouse is hiding). Also, in many cases, I would never stop talking as I often have many things going through my head in any given moment. Most of what I’d say wouldn’t make sense to anyone else as what goes through my head is a lot of random stuff that somehow makes sense to me; I usually have to pause, gather myself, and figure out how to phrase things in an effective way before speaking if I want anyone else to understand me.
All of the mindfulness practice I’ve done has shown me how insane the mind can be and helped me take it less seriously. Since most of what goes on in my mind is unreliable, I keep it to myself more often than not. Saying everything I think would be placing way too much importance on things that aren’t worth thinking, let alone saying. This gets even worse if it’s done during a hostile exchange. When emotions run wild, the first thing that pops into one’s head is often inaccurate and hostile. At least some of the time, that also results in the person saying things that they don’t really mean. That sort of approach in the heat of the moment weakens and, eventually, destroys relationships by turning conversations into fights and further escalating fights into wars. In contrast, an approach based in emotional intelligence, mindfulness, and effective communication can deescalate fights into conversations and strengthen relationships. I do my best to choose the second approach, although I’m not always successful.
Speaking honestly doesn’t have to be brutal, despite what some think. I suspect that those who say every cruel thing they think are just using “honesty” as an excuse to verbally abuse and take out their pain on others. Those I know who have acted this way have also been hypocrites in that they feel entitled to verbally abuse everyone else as much as they want but they can’t handle even a small amount of criticism, even when it’s phrased as politely and gently as possible. There’s no reciprocity in conversation with them; they can bulldoze everyone else but everyone else has to walk on eggshells around them. If they truly valued the type of “honesty” that they so freely give to everyone else, then they’d gladly accept it in return. The fact that they don’t is one reason that these kinds of humans don’t stay in my life very long.
Not everything requires a response. The further I go with my mindfulness and emotional intelligence practices, the less inclined I am to respond compulsively. If what I’m thinking is correct, beneficial, kind, funny, or otherwise valuable, then I’ll probably say it. If it is none of the aforementioned things, there’s no need to say it as doing so would likely make the situation worse. I’m not going to bully someone, particularly not someone I love, by intentionally speaking cruelly and then saying “I’m just being honest” after deliberately hurting them, especially since so many struggle with mental health issues. Honest speech can, and should, come part and parcel with compassion, consideration, and love.
I dislike any approach to communication that puts significantly more emphasis on speaking than listening. Among other issues, that can result in interrupting others, little to no appreciation of quiet moments without words, reacting instantly instead of pausing before responding mindfully, prioritizing thoughts over feelings (even though thoughts are often inaccurate, especially when emotions are running rampant), and reacting to negative assumptions based on the first few words instead of taking the time to listen to the whole explanation before asking clarifying questions. All that serves to do is make good situations bad and make bad situations worse. I’ve seen it firsthand more than enough times to know that for certain.
There is certainly value to honesty. Admitting I don’t know or understand something is a quick way to learn more. Likewise, if I didn’t hear what someone said, saying so gives them a chance to repeat it until I do. Saying how I’m feeling also lets others know if I want help, space, interaction, etc. I’d much rather say “I’m going home” when I’m ready to leave than stick around for a long time in a conversation that I didn’t want to be part of in the first place. The longer I stay somewhere I don’t want to be, the worse I feel, and the less effectively I can interact with anyone. Plus, all good relationships require trust, and lying is one of the fastest ways to destroy trust.
If someone is pressing me for information that I either don’t have or don’t want to share, I appreciate being able to say, “I don’t know,” “No,” or simply decline to answer. When someone once kept repeatedly insisting I tell her something I didn’t want to share, even after I repeatedly said “No,” I was able to maintain the boundary I set instead of giving in and talking about something I wanted to keep to myself. Being able to decide what I do and don’t say (along with what questions I do and don’t answer) is extra nice after an upbringing that largely consisted of others forcing me to speak when I wanted to stay quiet or making me say certain things even when I didn’t believe them.
Genuine behavior is more important than saying everything that pops into one’s head. That genuineness extends to how we relate to ourselves as well. Lots of folks ignore their emotions and try to hide certain things from themselves. No wonder there’s so much anxiety, rage, depression, and other issues. Being true to yourself with yourself is the path to peace. While humans often disappear behind one or more false selves, whether alone or around others, animals are masters of being their true selves. My dog Sawyer was always genuine, whether he felt content, upset, or anything else. He was never cruel with it and was always quick to show me love in a variety of ways. I wish everyone in my life followed his lead. My closest friends do their level best, thank goodness.
Widespread tendencies to go overboard with “honesty” seem to be an overcorrection in response to many years of expectations to keep quiet about emotions, concerns, and things one wishes to see change. It’s incredibly difficult to find the sweet spot after growing up with little to no emotional intelligence, mindfulness, or effective communication. Those who had a healthy upbringing are fortunate and can often help the many who didn’t, including me. That creates the possibility of finding the higher, middle way between saying too little and saying too much. I hope that third way will be found in the near future and become standard.