The more I learn about effective communication, the more it hurts to be around ineffective communication (as painful as hearing it can be, the pain is even worse when I’m on the receiving end of it). While I’ve written countless times before about lots of stuff I detest about so much modern communication, I don’t think I’d ever made a post describing what I hate the most. Since most or all of these unfortunately crop up in most conversations I’m in, I’ve been taking more time to myself and especially getting away from those who regularly do one or more of them. That has made me feel much better recently and inspired me to make this post about the top things I’d remove from conversation if I had that power. Without further ado, here’s my list.
- Interruptions. If you’ve read any of my previous posts about communication, you likely know that one of my least favorite things about interacting with others is when they interrupt me. This has happened throughout my life, whether in school (from classmates and teachers alike), different jobs, social groups, random strangers, people in stores, and in both calm and stressful situations alike. I don’t understand why so many people think it’s ok to barrel over my sentences. It often takes a lot for me to put together a coherent thought when speaking, and I hate when someone interrupts me when I’m barely a fraction of the way through it. Even when I listen for minutes on end to what they have to say, they still tend to interrupt me almost as soon as I start talking. If there were one item on this list I could eliminate from conversation forever, it would be this one.
- Monologuing. So many people have talked my ears off over the course of my life. In the most extreme cases, this has gone on for literally half an hour or longer of them talking nonstop without ever seeing if I was interested in what they were saying, had something of my own to contribute, or had other things to do. Besides this making me feel frustrated by preventing me from adding to the conversation, I can only process a small amount of information at a time, which is why I have to hear the same things repeatedly when I’m learning something new. I can’t handle hearing dozens of pieces of information from someone in one conversation without forgetting most of it and not caring about the rest. It’s just too overwhelming to face such a strong torrent of words, especially since those who do this never seem to tire of talking (or if they do, it’s only long after I’ve grown tired of listening). Conversations are meant to be give-and-take, which means that anyone who does nothing but take would be better suited for a one-man play than an actual interaction with one or more other folks.
- One-upping. This can be in the form of sharing a more impressive story just after someone else has talked about something cool or sharing a more depressing incident than what someone else has just said. So many people have done the latter to me since my dog Sawyer died by talking about animal friends or other loved ones of theirs who have died, as if that will somehow make me feel better or add value to the interaction. When two or more people one-up each other, it ends up sounding a lot like this sketch, only much less enjoyable. It quickly gets annoying to be around someone who won’t let a minute pass without bringing the conversation back to himself and never lets anyone else have a moment in the spotlight.
- Hostility/judgments. While these are two different things, they are similar enough to discuss both simultaneously. Both of them immediately escalate the exchange into bad territory and make it incredibly hard to get it back to a good place. Also, why everyone seems to feel the need to have opinions on everything and share them without being asked, I’ll never know. What I do know is I’m sick of bringing up a thought, preference, or idea only for someone else to immediately dismiss, contradict, criticize, or otherwise judge it or me. Whenever someone brings either hostility or judgments into a conversation, I immediately lose most of my interest in continuing that exchange. This seems to happen more often over time, even over small matters. I recently realized that the reason for so much hostility and so many judgments on big, controversial subjects is because most people are used to bringing hostility and judgments into conversations around small, trivial subjects. I suspect that it’s a negative feedback loop in that displaying more hostility and judgments on big things also makes them more likely to display hostility and judgments on small things; as humans, we fall to our level of preparation, so someone who is used to bringing in judgments and hostility will default to that, especially in stressful situations.
- Being “on” all the time. In short, this is being inauthentic. Some examples of this are compulsive joking, acting differently than how you feel, and generally acting how you think others expect you to act. While sometimes I will smile and play things up when I’m at a performing gig, I almost never do this when I’m on my own time. That’s when I do my best to be genuine, even if that means not laughing at jokes I don’t find funny, admitting when I feel upset even if others around me seem to be feeling good, and staying quiet when I have nothing to say. I wish others would put me at ease by being more genuine so that we’d both better know what the other would need and not have to wonder what’s really going on.
- Rushing. Conversations seem to keep getting faster every year. Whether this is due to anxiety, a desire to say everything one is thinking before anyone else jumps in, fear of forgetting something, or something else, it’s stressful and exhausting to be around a bunch of folks who are speaking at Mach 1, especially when trying to keep up with everything so I can spot a place to jump in. It’d be much nicer if everyone would slow down, breathe deeply, think before responding, and speak at a much more leisurely pace.
- Nonstop activity. For as long as I can remember, I’ve seemed to run out of conversation long before most others. This can result either in awkward silences if they want to keep going or monologuing. It amazes me how long others can continue an exchange; just as I think it’s about to wind down, it immediately starts back up again. I wish more people would allow themselves (and me) to enjoy silence, stillness, and saying nothing for extended periods of time.