I often see people begin a conversation by talking about their points of disagreement rather than their points of agreement. I understand this tendency as I used to begin many conversations like this for years. My experience showed me that this is a horrible approach as it makes civil conversations much more difficult and, in some cases, downright impossible. Starting with points of disagreement tends to put the other person on the defensive, especially if they have woven their personal identity into their views. If they think their views are being attacked, they’ll feel personally attacked and react to save their identity from demise. From there, the conversation can rapidly devolve into yelling, name calling, interruptions, deliberate mischaracterizations of each other’s views, and perhaps even violence. By failing to start by looking for common ground, they are more likely to see each other as enemies, and almost nobody can have a civil conversation with someone they consider to be an enemy.
In contrast, starting with common ground humanizes everyone and shows them that they are more similar than they initially thought. This gets things off to a great start and allows them to have a civil conversation on any number of subjects. Even points of disagreement will be easier to discuss since they started off well, enjoyed talking about things they have in common, and now see each other as friendly acquaintances rather than enemies.
Although I understand the value of starting from common ground, it’s still difficult for me to do at times, especially when I’m upset or talking about sensitive subjects. When I’m in a good place mentally, I can notice that I’m starting to get worked up and take a moment to breathe and remember to focus on common ground. Some days, though, this is much harder to do; it’s on those days that starting with common ground becomes that much more important. That’s when I try to detach from the conversation enough to regain my composure, remember that the other person isn’t my enemy, and ask them some open-ended questions to learn more about their perspective and give myself some time to relax. That usually does the trick and gets the conversation back on track. If you haven’t already adopted this approach, I highly recommend trying it out and seeing firsthand what it can do for your conversations.