Will all the disagreements and fights in the world, you’d think more folks would know how to disagree. Since they don’t, I thought I’d offer some guidance. This post isn’t meant to encourage disagreement. I believe that most disagreements are unnecessary, and certainly the way most humans go about them are unnecessary. This post is essentially my way of saying that if you still feel like disagreeing with somebody, do it this way for best results. Without further ado, here are my recommendations.
- Know what you’re disagreeing with. Few things will make you look sillier than rushing in to disagree about something only to find out you actually had no idea what someone else was actually saying. Even worse is if you start out disagreeing strongly with something before realizing that the thing you thought you disagreed with is actually something you believe. To avoid this embarrassment, make sure you understand what is being said well enough that you can explain it in your own words back to the person who said it and get verification that you described it accurately. This requires you to be more interested in hearing out the other person than you are in saying whatever you’re thinking. Since you already know what you think and may not know what someone else is going to say, why not quiet down and listen?
- Determine whether or not it’s worth it. For any given subject, is it critically important to have agreement between yourself and at least one other human or can you agree to disagree and move on? In most cases, it’s the latter. Sometimes resolving a disagreement is crucial, such as making sure that the right kind of fuel goes into a vehicle or verifying that this particular patient is the one who is getting a certain lifesaving procedure. However, most fights I’ve seen and been part of have been over trivial matters that don’t result in anyone getting hurt, dying, or living an incredibly low quality of life if agreement is not reached. Even when the issues being discussed are major, they’re normally discussed by humans who have no control over the direction those issues go; because the outcome of those exchanges doesn’t impact those issues at all, it is pointless to have strong, heated disagreements and fights over them.
- Converse in person. Online fights are so easy because it’s just text on a screen. It’s hard to remember that behind those words is another living, breathing human who is just as complex and unique as you are. Remembering that is much easier in person, and that makes difficult conversations more likely to be civil. It also prevents you from having to deal with those who spend all day fighting and disagreeing online over any and all subjects of any size, as if they were getting paid to do that (it’s hard to play to an audience if it’s just two of you talking with each other and neither of you get any “points” for making big, outlandish accusations or personal attacks). Additionally, talking in person limits the discussion. Online fights can drag on endlessly with any number of pauses before being resumed. If you’re only talking about a particular subject with someone in person, then both of your schedules, locations in the world, and abilities to come together determine how long you can talk about it, or if you can talk about it at all. The conversation can be made even easier if you’re having it over a meal, athletic activity, or other kind of fun event that helps you both relax and brings you closer together.
- Learn what’s going on under the surface. It’s easy to focus solely on the words and intellect, and it’s even easier to fight on those levels. However, much like how an iceberg has much more going on under the surface, so, too, does any exchange between two or more humans. Upbringing, traumatic experiences, nature, nurture, nearby humans (close friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, etc.), emotions, and much more that is often ignored all play a huge role in shaping what any given individual values and believes. Even if delving into all of that doesn’t bring agreement, it will at least bring understanding, and likely a much greater degree of civility than if all of that were ignored and focus kept only on the surface level issues.
- Find common ground. More often than not, humans are far more alike than they are different. This may seem hard to believe, given how much attention is paid toward differences and how much violence surrounds those differences. However, if you’ve completed the previous step, then you have a good idea of just how much you and nearly anyone else has in common. Everyone needs food, water, clothes, shelter, sleep, love, compassion, help, and safety for themselves and their loved ones. Since everyone needs those things and almost everyone wants them, most humans undertake activities and support ideas that they believe will get more of the good and less of the bad. Keeping that in mind can help smooth over conversations between individuals who both agree on where they want to go yet disagree on what they think is the best way to get there.
- Move on in peace. Whether or not disagreement is reached, that exchange is one small area of your life. There are way more areas that are far more deserving of your time, energy, and focus. You could have meaningful visits with your friends and family, hang out with any animal friends you have (as I used to do with my dog Sawyer whenever possible), have fun with your hobbies, volunteer for a good cause, or do any number of other things that are good for you and those around you. All of those will make a much bigger and better difference in the world than repeatedly trying to change someone’s mind and letting them know how much you disagree with them.