For most of my life, I’ve habitually agreed with other people even if I didn’t actually hold their perspective. I tended to do this especially when they were being negative, probably because I didn’t want to become a target for their negativity. At some point, though, I started working on being true to how I actually feel in any given situation rather than automatically expressing agreement with how the people around me feel. I’ve noticed some interesting things since I started doing this.
I don’t have to agree with what someone says or even respond, especially if they’re complaining. Agreeing with them when they’re complaining usually just adds to their negativity. Instead, I’ve started staying quiet and keeping my mindset positive while they speak. If I do say something, I’ll reframe the issue in a positive way about or change the subject to something they like. In either situation, I’ve noticed that I feel a lot better since I’m staying positive rather than joining them in being negative and they appear to change to a good mood more quickly, as if they can sense my positive mood and are comforted by it, which I’ve heard others describe as “holding the space”. Sometimes all a person needs is someone to listen while they talk out their feelings and work out whatever’s bugging them.
While I first noticed the power of holding space for other people, I’ve found that it works just as well to hold space for myself. When I find myself being consumed by negativity, I’ll use as many life hacks as it takes to get into a better state of mind. Sometimes that’s all I need, but on some occasions I feel an urge to explore what got me into that negative state. I used to get upset at myself for deeply feeling anger, sadness, or any other negative emotion for an extended period of time. Now, however, I take time to think about what’s been going on in my life and try to find out what’s dragging me down. Usually this involves relaxing into a state of presence and letting ideas come to me until one of them seems like a plausible explanation for the cause of my feelings. At that point, I have something that I can work on fixing, which is a much better place to be than feeling negative without knowing why.
Being able to hold space for others and stick to what I think even when it differs from what they think is still sometimes difficult for me, but it’s a lot easier than it used to be. Presence, which I’ve learned a lot about from The Power of Now, has helped a lot. When I’m present, I’m less concerned with appeasing others or getting their approval, so I feel more confident in speaking my mind. Additionally, simply doing this a number of times has shown me that nothing bad happens when I do it; instead of fearing that the situation will end badly, I now know that it’ll turn out fine, which has greatly increased my courage in social situations. I wish I’d started doing all of this sooner, but now that I know how to do it, I can look forward with ease and confidence. I now firmly believe that I’ll be able to succeed in holding space for others and staying true to myself wherever I go, which is quite a good feeling to have.