For most of my life, I’ve struggled to handle anger in a healthy way. My main approach for decades was to stifle anger whenever it came up, believing that simply feeling angry was wrong or that allowing myself to feel angry would increase the angry feelings. This made me feel miserable much of the time and caused me to be quick to anger over even the smallest upsets. I also lashed out at others verbally and used physical force against inanimate objects or myself (and sometimes those around me), causing much pain and destruction in the process. The verbal lashing out was more common and ruined many of my relationships. Sometimes there was reconciliation after the emotions settled but many times there wasn’t.
Although my struggles have been numerous and varied, they all ultimately stem from how long I spent burying my emotions deep down instead of feeling them. Almost thirty years of doing this has shown me that buried emotions still come out, and usually in destructive ways, until they’re handled healthily. At least some of this struggle came from internalizing negative ways of handling anger that were both modeled for and forced upon me by those in power over me from a young age.
It’s not all bad news as I have made many improvements over the past few years. The greatest success has come from letting go of lots of fear and sadness. Anger tries to be the protector during the vulnerable times of feeling afraid or sad, so letting the fear and sadness pass often gets rid of lots of anger without me even having to directly work on the anger.
I’ve also gotten better at feeling through everything instead of acting those feelings out in harmful ways. When that doesn’t seem sufficient, I’ve found ways to express anger that don’t hurt me or anyone else. A quick verbal expression often does the trick; this could be a simple exclamation rather than words or sentences. For example, I spent at least a few minutes every day last year yelling while sitting alone in my car. That always made me feel much calmer and lighter. Physical activity, such as a walk, juggling session, dancing, or some other type of vigorous movement also helps. Burning off excess energy reduces the angry feelings without stuffing them down, hurting anyone, or turning me against myself.
Learning how to find effective solutions to problems instead of letting them linger, fester, and become worse over time has made a huge difference. That requires noticing how I’m feeling, what I’m needing, and figuring out how to give it to myself; when I need help with that, I lean on the ways I’ve learned how to communicate more effectively so I can avoid shouting, using sarcasm, or turning to other forms of cruelty. To do this when I’m feeling upset, I often have to pause for ten seconds or longer to let my emotions settle, recognize what I want to communicate, and choose my words carefully. Although I’m not always successful at this, I’m overall better at it now than I was at it for most of my life.
Sometimes I fall back on old habits by attempting to think away angry feelings. This can take the form of minimizing the feelings and whatever preceded them or trying to forcibly look on the bright side while ignoring the negative side. I get around that by reminding myself that it’s ok to feel angry and that the feelings will pass once I let them run without resisting them. To my surprise, that’s exactly how it works every time.
I’ve learned how crucial it is for my emotional well-being to take breaks as needed and get plenty of rest and sleep. Setting better boundaries to avoid abusive humans and getting alone time as needed have both been hugely beneficial. I’ve also gotten better at giving myself permission to feel angry. Often, reminding myself that the anger will pass as long as I give it enough attention without resistance is exactly what I need to be able to welcome that anger; avoiding condemning or shaming myself for how I feel and reminding myself that the emotions are valid also help. Thinking of myself as a little kid who feels upset and responding the ways I wish others had responded to me early in life makes me feel much better. Part of that involves forgiving myself when I cause harm while feeling angry as holding onto guilt or shame only exacerbates the angry feelings and prevents healing.
When I lost my dog Sawyer last year, I had a hard time working through all the anger that came up. There was a lot of it across several different areas. I felt angry at Sawyer for leaving me, those close to me for acting in ways I disliked leading up to his death, the vets for administering the fatal substances, myself for not doing more for him before and during that time, some folks for telling me how I should feel or what I should do (such as get “a new pet” less than a month after Sawyer’s death), and all pet owners I know for still having their beloved animal friends after I lost mine. It’s taken a lot of work to let go of most of that anger. Even when the remaining anger comes up, it’s way less intense than last year and leaves much sooner.
Anger still remains one of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. Sadness is incredibly easy for me to handle, fear is not far behind, and even depression is nowhere near the immovable object it once was. Yet anger remains a huge obstacle for me. It’s hard to get around the idea that it’s wrong to feel angry. I often have to remind myself that anger isn’t bad; I shouldn’t hurt myself or someone else in anger, but merely feeling angry isn’t wrong. Even with that in mind, I’ve still struggled to let anger run out fully when it comes up and often ended up ignoring or burying it.
I felt a lot of anger toward the end of last year and even more this year. The surprising part is how I’ve handled it extremely well this year. Simply pausing for a few minutes to let the angry feelings run has worked super well. It’s gotten to the point that I can feel incredibly angry about something and then forget about it minutes later. That was a wonderful surprise that came with a huge amount of relief. It seems like I’m finally turning the corner with anger and I hope I continue getting better at managing it in healthy ways. I’ve got a feeling I will.