I had an exchange recently that made me question everything about my journey and where I’m going. It gave me a case of impostor syndrome that stayed with me for about half a week before finally dissipating. Even though I didn’t feel like going out that night, I went anyway because I figured it would be good for me. When I went out, I didn’t try to act any way other than how I felt. I only smiled when I felt like it and didn’t try to make anything happen. It felt good to avoid reflexively saying I was feeling good while I felt bad and acting like everything was ok when it wasn’t. I acted completely genuinely from the time I walked in until the time I left.
Rather than causing everyone to stay away from me as I thought it would, I think this actually made me seem more approachable. People I know still came up and we enjoyed spending time together. I also had plenty of space for myself when I didn’t feel like socializing. Throughout the night, I managed to avoid people pleasing and had no expectations for anything. I also was able to stay connected enough with my emotions to have fun and feel much more like my usual self by the end. I’m sure I would have felt much worse had I stayed home, so I’m glad I overcame resistance that night and went out for a few hours.
This has been a very interesting experience with no lasting negative consequences as far as I can tell. An encounter I had last night told me that I’m on the right track, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. Most of what I’m going through right now comes down to repeating lessons until I’ve learned them, learning difficult lessons while I’m in a good place in life so I’ll be prepared for more difficult times ahead, and going through this stuff now so I can help others get through similar things in the future. This week has been rough but it’s gotten better, so I’m feeling good about what I’ve learned and I’m looking forward to the next few days.