It’s been just over two weeks since I said my final goodbye to my dog Sawyer. I’ve thought about him almost nonstop since then and I’ve written a lot about him. In addition to a few blog posts, I’ve written dozens of pages about him in my morning writing. Since I have so much to say about him, I thought it’d be nice for today’s blog post to feature some of the gratitude and thoughts I have about Sawyer.
Sawyer gave me unconditional love. He loved me the same whether I was employed or out of work, in or out of school, feeling good or bad, etc. He also loved me for who I am, not what I can do or have done; he helped me learn to love myself the same way. Although he seemed uninterested when I attempted to show off for him, he always became attentive and playful when I connected with him through pets, chasing, scratches, quality time, etc. Even from the start he was wonderful at showing love through actions such as those.
I’m so grateful for all the time I got to spend with Sawyer. Much of that came from simply living in the same house as him for all but the first year of his life. Beyond that, there were plenty of other things that gave us more time together. Weekends, holidays, and summer breaks afforded us lots of quality time while I was still in high school. I also spent a lot of time with him after I graduated high school and stopped going to college before I got a job. It helped that each of my regular jobs were within 45 minutes of home; three of those jobs were within half an hour of home and one of them was within 10 minutes. As much as I hated seeing almost everything get shut down in 2020, that also gave me more time at home with Sawyer. Some issues at my last job in early and late 2021 also gave me more time at home, as did my head injury in November 2021. Starting my business in early December 2021 and leaving my job later that month (in addition to having almost 2 weeks away from work before I left) also helped a lot. I considered going to the Atlanta Groundhog Day Jugglers Festival in April of this year but ultimately decided against it. That plus juggling less due to wrist issues in mid April also gave me more time with Sawyer. Finally, I simply enjoy being at home rather than being out constantly, so that gave us lots of time together in any given year.
Most of my favorite times with Sawyer came when I had the most time freedom. No particular schedule to keep, no job issues or stress to deal with, and seemingly endless days to spend with him. That all became extra important this year. Although I didn’t know for a long time that the first few months of 2022 would be the twilight of my life with him, I’m so glad I was around so much to play, visit, listen, and give him what he wanted and needed toward the end.
I’m glad Sawyer stuck around until I’d healed enough and developed enough inner strength to say goodbye to him. I don’t know how I’d have handled the past decade without him. Even the past few years would have been way harder if he hadn’t been here. I’m glad he also waited until well into this spring before our final goodbye. My winter blues had long faded away by April and I was feeling stronger than I’ve felt for most of my life. I can’t imagine losing him during the dark, dreary days of winter or even earlier this spring before I rediscovered my strength.
Even more than that, Sawyer stayed until a near two week stretch of no rain. It rained on his final Sunday right before I went swing dancing. Despite several cloudy days after that, it didn’t rain again until two Sundays later, also a night I went swing dancing. If that’s not beautifully poetic, I don’t know what is. Although I love rain, I also love the sun and I find myself feeling depressed if there are too many dark, cloudy, rainy days in a row. Seeing the sun regularly substantially lifts my mood and I definitely needed the sun since his death (as well as the weekend before his final day when I knew he didn’t have much time left).
Continuing the theme from those last few paragraphs, I’m glad Sawyer got to see this version of me. A version that, overall, has less anxiety, depression, anger, fear, and other issues than ever. This version also has more confidence, peace, and serenity than ever. However, he loved all the past versions of me just as much as the present version. While he did grow closer to me as I grew more comfortable with myself, I see that as celebrating my progress with me rather than loving me more because of that deep personal growth. Plus it’s natural for love to deepen over time, regardless of any personal growth or other positive changes that occur. As much as I’ll miss him, I now know I can make it even if he’s not by my side anymore. Thanks for that, buddy.
Sawyer, thank you for everything. I love you and miss you constantly. You’ve helped me become who I am today and I can’t imagine how my life would’ve gone if we’d never met or become best friends. I hope to see you again someday. Until then, I’ll do my best to be the person you always knew I could be and share your love wherever I can.