There is a disturbing tendency to treat laidback folks badly because they won’t make a scene or act upset. It’s common to pressure them to give up something they want, always put others before themselves, or make last minute changes to plans they made long ago. Here’s my take on this.
While some folks who appear easygoing truly are, other times it’s one or more trauma responses in play. In my case, the fawn trauma response has often prevented me from sticking up for myself, doing what’s best for me, and putting my needs above the wants of others. As a result, I’ve agreed to many things that I didn’t want to do, backed away from many things that I wanted to do, said things that others wanted to hear, and avoided saying things that I wanted to say. All out of fear of what others might do to me if I sufficiently displeased them (a fear that was based on what many DID do to me as a little kid when I said or did something they disliked).
Another issue this caused me was being made to support others emotionally when my own emotions were a mess. In some cases, this was done by people who only ever reached out to me when they wanted me to support them. When things were going well for them, I never heard from them. Yet whenever they wanted a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk off, they contacted me. Of course, when I needed support, they were either absent or just talked more about their own problems instead of hearing me out and giving me the same kind of support I had so often given them. It’s no exaggeration to say that drowning in misery and still being expected to rescue someone else, especially when that person was in a lifeboat while I was barely treading water, were some of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. It blows my mind that anybody can be that selfish.
Despite the personal development progress I’ve made, I still find it difficult to deal with those who think that my seemingly easygoing personality makes it ok to always put me last. On the rare occasions in which I have strongly stood up for myself, I’ve received one of two responses. The more common response is for one or more folks to double down and try (often successfully) to intimidate me into backing down and going along with whatever they want. The much rarer and much nicer response is for everyone to back off and respect my wishes. Fortunately, since I put a bully in his place last month, I have far less fear of standing up for myself. Even if that doesn’t work out, I am much quicker at this point to avoid those who try to push me around and won’t take no for an answer.
Sometimes it helps to remember my dog Sawyer’s approach to boundaries. Similarly to other dogs, Sawyer was quite docile and friendly in everyday life while still letting everyone know where he drew the line. He primarily set his boundaries through light growls or moving away from an activity he didn’t want to do and only escalated if those approaches failed. Among the many wonderful things Sawyer taught me, being kind while still setting and maintaining boundaries is one of his most valuable lessons.
Still, I wish that everyone would go easy on easygoing folks. It wears me out to push back against those who think my concerns, interests, and plans don’t matter. Given how many people have done this to me and continue to do so unless I stick up for myself, that’s one of the biggest reasons that I prefer being by myself more often than not. Even if nobody else does, I will respect my own wishes, give myself what I need, and avoid treating myself as disposable. To end this, I’ll say thank you to anyone who is kind to the easygoing folks they know. For anyone who pushes them around and acts as if their interests don’t matter, do better.