I’ve felt a lot of stress for much of my life over what people say and appear to feel toward me. One reason for that is my tendency to believe negative things said about me. For whatever reason, it’s much easier to believe the negative stuff and much harder to believe the positive stuff (such as when someone gives me a genuine compliment, even when it’s accurate and I deserve it). As I continue to let go of negativity, I’m learning more about who I actually am and I’m becoming more comfortable with that person all the time. Now I’m less likely to feel upset if someone says something to me that I don’t like or if they don’t like me or something I do.
Whenever I’m feeling confident and secure in who I am, the urge to defend myself goes way down. There’s little to no pride, which is quite fragile, easily damaged and shaken, and requires constant defensiveness. Without that, I don’t have to respond internally or externally to what someone may say against me; if they insult me or appear to be talking down to me, that won’t matter. Whether or not they do it, I’ll be feeling at peace and feeling good about myself. I don’t need to get drawn into an exchange or conflict over it.
This gets into what I think is the important difference between awareness and sensitivity. With awareness, you can know what’s going on in yourself, around you, and maybe even pick up what’s going on in another person, such as how they’re feeling and what they’re wanting. You also get that with sensitivity (though you might mistake your own feelings for someone else’s or vice versa) but along with that knowing, there’s also the risk of feeling disturbed by negativity or anything else that comes up, whether it comes from you, from another person, or from something else in your current situation.
Also, sensitivity can bring with it a lot of negativity, such as a tendency to say whatever comes to mind even if it causes harm, refrain from saying anything that may be unpopular, over explain things, defend things that don’t need to be defended and haven’t been challenged, feel upset easily, and generally let your inner state be determined by the conditions around you. With deep awareness, you can perceive everything around you without being subject to it. You can see what’s going on and decide how to respond (or whether to respond at all) rather than being forced into a particular response by your emotions. That’s an incredibly strong, powerful, and peaceful position.
I’ve been both sensitive and aware for much of my life. As I keep working on myself, I’m increasingly moving deeper into awareness and away from sensitivity. That lets me perceive what’s happening and know what’s going on without being overtaken by it and forced into feeling like I need to push back, defend myself, or anything else along those lines. Awareness also shows me what’s important to focus on and what can be safely ignored. That way I can keep my attention where it’s most needed. Often the right thing to do or say comes to me automatically when I’m deeply aware. Sensitivity tends to keep me focused on everything around me, with most of my attention given to where it’s least needed. When I’m feeling sensitive, that’s when I struggle and hesitate to make any kind of decision, let alone a good one.
Whatever somebody says about me reflects their perceptions rather than the reality about me. That’s something I’ve understood intellectually for a long time but haven’t been able to embody and truly know with every fiber of my being until recently. It’s wonderful to know myself so well that I don’t buy into falsehoods people say about me. As I get to know myself better and better, nobody can take that knowledge away from me, so there’s nothing to fight about. That knowing brings with it an incredible sense of peace peace that’s growing deeper all the time. If I keep this up by releasing enough fears and negativity toward myself, I think I’ll eventually reach the point that somebody can say anything to me or about me or think anything about me or feeling any way toward me and I’ll be able to simply shrug it off; like water off a duck’s back, as they say. I’ll know exactly who I am and I won’t have to wonder “What if what that person said about me is true?” There won’t be any suspicion or fear of that because I’ll be so knowledgeable about myself and loving toward myself that what anyone else says won’t matter, especially someone who doesn’t know me. I’ll be at peace since I’ll know who I am. That’s a wonderful place to be and I’m finally making it my home. I hope you can do the same.