There is a lot of disagreement around emotional management and how we should treat each other. One common perspective says that nobody can control anybody else’s emotions. Another, perhaps less common, perspective says that nobody can truly fully control their own emotions. I see problems with both of those perspectives and would like to share my thoughts on them as well as a better approach.
Most humans have an ego, which I consider to be a fear-based set of programs intended to help us survive. The ego isn’t always active; when someone is doing something enjoyable, relaxing, or otherwise nonthreatening, the ego can get quiet. However, when something that seems to be a threat to one’s survival appears, the ego kicks in. Adrenaline and other stress hormones rush through the body, all focus is diverted to whatever it takes to end the threat, and one or more trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) are activated. Even after the apparent threat ends, this ego response can continue, particularly in people who’ve experienced a lot of trauma. This is why some people spend almost no time in their egos while others are in there almost constantly.
I have a few points based on the previous paragraph. The first one is that, as long as someone is in the grip of a trauma response, they are not able to control their emotions. In extreme cases, it’s as if the person isn’t even there anymore; only when the stress hormones recede to the point that the ego fades does the person return and regain some measure of control. Since this state can be brought about via the words or actions of another, the notion that nobody can control anybody else’s emotions is false.
The second point concerns warnings around graphic content. This is done to prepare people who’ve been traumatized in the event that something in the work they’re about to view triggers their trauma, especially if that work contains depictions of events similar to that which traumatized the person. That is an example of kindness. Kindness also appears whenever someone intentionally steers clear of subjects that they know are triggering for their traumatized loved ones. Additionally, on several occasions, I’ve heard the notion that ostracism registers the same in our brains as physical pain. If that’s true, then it offers an explanation for why being excluded from social groups and activities can hurt so badly for so many people. Between that and the points about trauma, I can’t believe in the notion that everyone can control their own emotions and nobody else has any influence there.
In fact, that sounds like an easy excuse for abusive people. What could be better for an abusive person than widespread acceptance of the notion that the emotional abuse they inflict on others is the fault of their victims for feeling upset? This could explain why it still appears common to hear “Suck it up”, “Get over it”, “Man up”, or another of many other demeaning phrases that excuse abuse. Regardless of the intent behind such phrases, they let bullies know that they can continue harming others without facing any resistance or consequences.
Along these lines, some people justify their own abusive actions while attempting to control the emotions of others. This can take the form of telling others not to feel upset, sad, scared, or angry, as well as asking or demanding that they don’t yell, grumble, or express any emotions other than positive ones. Though often done by abusive people, this may also occur for other reasons. However, whether it is done because someone feels uncomfortable around another person expressing negative emotions, wants the person to feel better out of a sense of concern, or something else entirely, it still comes across as controlling. Additionally, if someone stops another person from feeling through their emotions, they’re actually preventing that person from being able to heal and are doing them far more harm than good, even if their intentions are to help.
There is also the extremely important yet often ignored subject of how you feel vs what you do. It’s ok to feel any emotion, but it’s not ok to treat others badly while in a highly emotional state. Unfortunately, a lot of mistreatment can arise from someone who has been told all their lives that they’re wrong for feeling negative emotions. This results in suppression, which creates a huge amount of internal pressure, and that pressure builds until it finally explodes on anyone nearby. All of this can be avoided by making it clear that there is nothing morally wrong with feeling sad, angry, depressed, anxious, or any other emotion. It’s perfectly fine for everyone to feel whatever comes up but that doesn’t give them a license to abuse anyone in the process. Nor does it require anyone to accept any abuse.
Lots of people say they’re not affected by what others say or do to them but I think most of them are incorrect. While there are a few people who seem to be truly free from reactivity and remain unaffected by the words and actions of others, they are the exception. For everyone else, if they’re truly unaffected, why would they react with hostility when someone else insults them or something they enjoy doing? Why wouldn’t they merely shrug, laugh it off, ignore it, change the subject, or leave the situation? What unhealed emotional wound within them causes them to lash out at even the smallest perceived slight?
Here’s an example of reactivity from someone who is no longer in my life. She once responded to a request I made via text with a lengthy explanation of why what she did was ok, the role she played in my life (as if I didn’t already know that), that “There’s no right or wrong way for me [her] to respond”, and how my response had “nothing to do” with her. If that last point was correct, then why write a short novel going out of her way to assert that she played no part in how I felt or responded? Both at that time and to this day, her response sounded to me like extreme defensiveness on her part, as if she thought she was being personally attacked or didn’t believe what she was saying and was trying to convince herself that she was correct. Given that this is how she responded almost every time someone did or said something she disliked even a small amount, I can only imagine the amount of pride and insecurity she held onto. Sounds like a horrible way to live.
Unfortunately, she is far from the only one who has done this sort of thing on a regular basis. I’ve known many people who act however they want without any regard for how their actions affect those around them. Some will go beyond that by intentionally acting in ways that they know will trigger someone. The better they know someone, the more options they have with which to trigger that person, so their most frequent victims who receive their most cunning attacks are the people they claim to love. This is why it’s important to exercise extreme caution when choosing who gets to learn about your trauma and traumatic triggers; the right people will use that information to love you better while the wrong people will use it as a map to find the best ways to hurt and manipulate you any way they want.
Now for some of the problems with taking on too much responsibility for the emotions of others. I’ve lived this way for most of my adult life so I know from experience how awful it is. It’s incredibly draining as it requires examining everything I might say and, in most cases, either saying nothing at all or saying something innocuous in the hope of avoiding upsetting anyone. In the worst cases, it has resulted in my saying something I didn’t believe but hoped would be pleasing to others, thus removing even the remotest possibility of retribution. It also makes sticking up for anything or anyone (including myself) all but impossible. The fear of being hit, yelled at, shunned, or otherwise punished for saying the “wrong” thing prevents genuine interactions with anyone outside of a small handful of people I deeply trust.
When everyone else bends over backwards to prevent someone from feeling upset, it stops that person from learning how to manage their own emotions. While emotional intelligence can be difficult and painful to learn, it is essential for having an enjoyable life and being able to operate effectively in stressful situations. Many adults never get the hang of this and end up exploding on anyone who upsets them. It’s not always clear whether they’re emulating the examples their parents set for them from a young age, reacting to a traumatic trigger, or are acting in ways that have consistently gotten them what they’ve wanted (or something else entirely). In any event, these people are horrible to be around when things are going badly and stressful to be around even when things are going well; there’s always the question of what small thing will make them erupt, so whoever’s around them can never fully relax or enjoy the situation.
Some people don’t explode when they feel upset. Instead, they’ll shut down, leave, or do something to needlessly make a pleasant situation unpleasant. I did this for a long time and still do on occasion. Sometimes it comes from feeling overwhelmed without feeling safe to express my concerns and other times it’s meant to “punish” someone who did something I disliked. Most of the times I’ve done that, it’s been in response to something that I took personally even though it likely wasn’t meant as a personal attack against me. I hope I can fully move away from such reactions as I continue healing.
No matter how someone reacts when they feel upset, expecting others to manage their emotions for them is a recipe for constant disappointment. What happens what that person is around other humans who treat them badly and won’t honor requests for improved treatment? Or if they end up in a situation in which nobody else is around and they have to manage their own emotions effectively to resolve a major problem that arises? Some people learn the hard way that they can’t count on anyone else to do the emotional heavy lifting for them. Even if that were possible, it would leave them vulnerable to the slightest bit of negativity.
The deep peace I experienced for over a month last year remained unaffected by whatever happened around me. If I liked what was going on, it added to how well I felt. If I disliked something, the negativity it produced went away quickly and didn’t drag me down. I can’t remember a time before or since then that I’ve felt so strong, powerful, and adaptable on an emotional level for so long. I’m still working to get back to that emotional state. I wish everyone could experience it at least once. If that became everyone’s normal emotional state, then this post and most of my other posts would be irrelevant.
I long for that deep peace. I’ve felt incredibly emotionally vulnerable since I lost my dog Sawyer earlier this year. Today, I realized that I’m feeling more anxious in public places than I can ever recall. This has caused me to spend a lot more time by myself and withdraw significantly even from most people I’ve been close with for years. I rarely initiate conversations when I do go out to dance, juggle in the park, or do some other social activity; even when I get involved in a conversation, I contribute little and often do what I can to quickly end the exchange. All of this in the hopes of preventing further emotional pain during a time in which even small negative gestures or words can hurt me, even if they aren’t meant to do so. I don’t think this is a sustainable way to live long-term but it seems to be helping for now.
With all of this in mind, what can be done? I don’t have a complete answer but I do have some ideas. Because of the sheer number of humans and the range of experiences that have occurred, even the most seemingly innocuous action can trigger trauma in someone. This is bound to happen unintentionally at least some of the time. Whenever I do this to someone, I apologize and make a mental note to avoid repeating that mistake with that person. I think that’s the kindest and most practical option. I appreciate those who do this with me as well. At the same time, I work every day on healing myself so that I become less reactive and less vulnerable to whatever comes my way. I still hold out some hope that others will do the same, though I’m no longer convinced that such a thing is guaranteed to happen. If I think of or find any other ideas along these lines, I’ll include them in future posts. For now, this will suffice.