I’ve read several books on persuasion and they’ve helped me protect myself against unwanted influence from other people. I’m still not great at saying no, but I’m a lot better at it than I used to be. However, I’ve noticed that I tend to go overboard with persuasion. It’s easy for me to get upset over what other people do and try to get them to stop; when I don’t succeed in changing their behavior, I can get even more upset and let my emotions ruin whatever situation I’m in. Being aware of all the trouble this causes me has motivated me to make some changes in my interactions with others.
I think a lot of this stems from feeling a lack of control over myself and fearing what other people might do to me. This can manifest as people pleasing or being controlling. Either of those are especially likely when I’m in a negative state of mind. If that’s the case, then getting better at controlling myself is key to breaking out of these traps that both involve trying to control other people.
This ties into something I’ve known for a while but have only just recently started abiding by: the fact that I can’t control anyone else. The most I can do is try to persuade them to do something. Even in that scenario, they’re still making the final decision about what they do. And I incur costs in the process, as Harry Browne so wonderfully put it in this quote from How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World:
“The paradox is that you have tremendous control over your life, but you give up that control when you try to control others. For the only way you can control others is to recognize their natures and do what is necessary to evoke the desired reactions from those natures. Thus, your actions are dictated by the requirements involved when you attempt to control someone else.”
Persuasion has its place, but I find things generally go much more smoothly when I relax and enjoy myself around others instead of trying to nudge them in a particular direction. So, rather than try to control anyone else’s behavior, I’m going to focus on controlling my reactions to what they do, making the best decisions I can for myself and those close to me, and steering clear of negative situations whenever possible. I think that will give me much more peace, joy, and freedom than I could ever have by worrying about what other people do, and I’m looking forward to making it a regular practice in my life.