I’ve decided to stop giving personal advice unless someone specifically asks for it. I was thinking about this at work recently. Some computer programmers keep a rubber duck on their desk. If they get stuck when they’re working on a project, they explain the problem to the duck. Talking through the problem with the duck often allows them to figure out a solution even though the duck doesn’t give them any advice. Although I have on occasion given good advice, most of the best “advice” I’ve given has come from being the rubber duck for whoever needed help. Listening empathically to them and being a safe person for them to air their concerns has allowed many people in my life to work through their problems and find workable solutions.
I’ve also realized that, unless I ask for it, I don’t like receiving advice. If I share my struggles with someone, most of the time I’m just looking for support and compassion rather than guidance. I love receiving advice when I ask for it and I dislike getting it when I don’t ask for it. This realization has made it easier for me to refrain from giving or even offering advice and just being there for whoever is talking to me.
This has been a profound mindset shift for me. For most of my life, I felt like I wasn’t helping someone who was struggling if I couldn’t give them useful advice. Now I realize that often the best thing I can do to help them is listen to and hold space for them. Most people who open up to me just want to share what’s on their mind with someone who will be understanding and kind to them rather than be told what to do. This has taken a great deal of pressure off of me as I no longer feel the need to fix people. I now give them plenty of space to decide for themselves what they think is the best course of action. As a result, I feel much better and don’t get nearly as tired from my personal interactions as I once did. I’m still going to share stuff that helps me on this blog and my social media but when it comes to one-on-one interactions, I’ll listen to someone who opens up to me and only give advice if they ask for it. That’s worked out wonderfully so far and I look forward to seeing what it will accomplish moving forward.