A Letter to Myself

Dear Ian,

Things are hard for you now. In some way, they’ve always been hard. I wish I could say that it’ll all get easier. Unfortunately, while some things will get much better, others will get far worse. I’ll tell you about some of those things before ending with some good news.

You’re used to having good years and bad years close to each other. In fact, for a while, every good year was followed by a bad year and vice versa. However, the painful truth is that you’ll go through a five-year period that contains three bad years in a row and one decent year before fourth bad year. That will be the most painful, trying time of your life, and you’ll wonder during the hardest years how you’ll ever make it through.

As you might expect, the hardest things you’ll encounter, both during that long stretch of bad years and outside of it, will be the deaths of your loved ones. It’ll be incredibly hard to lose your grandparents, a few friends and acquaintances, and a family member’s beloved cat. Most painful of all will be our dog Sawyer’s death. No matter how hard you think that will be, it will be even worse than you can imagine. You’ll cry nearly all day, every day for months on end. You’ll develop routines that help you get by, including looking at pictures and videos of Sawyer each day. The pain will knock you down for almost two years, and you’ll go for almost a year wondering if the pain will ever get significantly better. Some humans will tell you that it won’t. You can take comfort in the fact that everyone who says, “The pain never goes away” is wrong. Although it will take a long time and a lot of crying, keep doing the work and you’ll feel much better within a few months, and significantly better within a few years.

You’ve also struggled a lot financially since you first joined the working world. That, too, will get better. Good jobs are on the horizon, and you’ll get back to a good financial place sooner than you know. Even before then, you’ll still always have enough to get by from performing gigs, random gifts and donations, and some odd jobs for folks you know.

Now let’s talk about one of your biggest lifelong struggles: people pleasing. For as long as you can remember, you’ve done nearly anything to make others like you and accept you, to your own detriment. Although this is a struggle that at times seems endless, you will gradually feel more comfortable being yourself and become less interested in the approval of others. Keep releasing guilt, shame, and self-hatred as you also welcome joy, peace, and love for yourself. Though this road is long, it does have an end, and you’ll get much further along it than you ever thought possible.

If you could see where we are now, you’d be amazed. While you almost always want to make more progress and often feel unsatisfied wherever you are, I’m so thankful for how far we’ve come, and I can’t wait for you to see it. I admire you for persevering despite all the bad hands life has dealt you, and I’m always here for you. We’ll get through whatever life throws at us together, just as we always have.

Love,

Ian