Alan Watts talked about how difficult it is to be free from desire. For if you desire to not desire, then desire is still influencing your actions. So how do you overcome desire? I stumbled into one way to do it earlier this year. It’s a bit tricky and not exactly straightforward but I’ll explain it as best as I can.
For the better part of a year, I wanted a certain recurring situation to unfold in a particular way. On the rare occasions in which things worked out like I wanted, I was content for a little while. Whenever I didn’t get my way, however, I’d become extremely disappointed and sulk for a long time afterward. Eventually, this cycle became painful enough that I decided to avoid actively pursuing my desired outcome for that situation. I would merely be an observer unless I were invited to be an active participant; even then, I would think about other things during my participation so as not to become emotionally invested in the situation or its outcome. I also thought negatively for a while about things related to the situation, which I don’t recommend doing even though it did give me some useful detachment when I was in a rough phase of my journey.
This kept me emotionally stable while I still had some remnants of desire related to the outcome of that situation. Once I had been doing this for a while, however, I lost my attachment to any particular outcome. No matter how that situation unfolded, I was as content at the end as I was at the beginning. Additionally, I wasn’t desiring to be unattached or indifferent in that situation; I was simply free from desire altogether. After I had gotten used to being free from desire in that situation, it became possible for me to remove my desire for particular outcomes in other, simpler situations as well. This is how I approach many of my interactions now. Whenever I do this, I always feel a great deal of freedom to say and do whatever feels natural since I’m not trying to bring about any particular end goal. I’m not trying to do anything other than be myself when I’m in the present moment and have no attachment to any particular outcome.
With all of this in mind, I don’t meant to imply that I have no desire whatsoever or that I don’t care about anything. I still care greatly about my friends, my hobbies, and everything else that’s close to my heart. Further, there are absolutely situations in which caring about the outcome is critical, such as in life-or-death situations. More often than not in my own life, however, accepting whatever happens is by far the best way to go. I’ve found that my interactions with other people improve when neither of us feel pressured to behave in any certain way. Living in the moment instead of thinking ahead to possible outcomes creates a great deal of relaxed space in which we can both behave based on how we feel rather than on how we think we’re expected to behave. I hope all of this makes sense and helps you if you decide to try it out. It will be difficult for a while but just keep at it and eventually you’ll find that it’s well worth the effort.