Do you have trouble saying no? Do you regularly say yes because you feel like you’ll be letting somebody down if you say no and that they won’t like you for it? I know what that feels like because I’ve had to work a lot at figuring out how to gather the courage to say no. I’ll share what’s helped me and hope that it helps you too.
A huge aspect of this comes down to habit. If you’re used to saying yes, then doing so takes almost no effort and saying no takes a huge amount of effort. This is normal when changing habits, but it does get easier over time. Think about this as if you were starting an exercise plan. You wouldn’t begin by running twenty miles if you can barely run two, or by lifting one hundred pounds when fifty is too much. You’d start off with what you can do and gradually increase the intensity over time. Eventually, you’d find yourself easily doing something that once seemed impossible. So start by saying no to small things first, such as an invitation to the mall. As you gradually gain confidence and courage from these small victories, you can say no to increasingly bigger things without feeling ashamed or upset at yourself.
You may find it helpful to imagine situations in which you want to say no and practice saying it out loud so you get used to saying it and hearing yourself say it. If you do this, say it with confidence and imagine the other person reacting with something along the lines of “Oh, ok then”; this is most likely how they will react once you’re actually in that situation, and visualizing a simple, positive reaction will help you go through with saying no instead of backing down.
When you’re talking to someone and they ask you to do something you’d rather avoid, be honest with them. Don’t attach a reason why you can’t do something (you don’t have a ride, you don’t have enough money, etc) if the real reason is that you don’t want to do it. That gives the other person a chance to step in and eliminate that obstacle (such as by offering you a ride if you say you don’t have one), which then puts you in the awkward position of feeling like you have to say yes. If you simply don’t want to do something, thank the person for thinking of you and then tell them that you’re not interested. This saves you the trouble of finding an excuse and eliminates opportunities for them to pressure you into saying yes.
If someone persists in trying to get you to say yes, remind yourself why you don’t want to do it or can’t do it. Think of how good it will feel to stick to your plans (or simply relax at home if you have no other plans) and how proud of yourself you’ll be for doing so, and use that as motivation to say no. This will give you a good feeling to focus on and help you overcome the urge to appease the other person, giving you the strength to politely, yet firmly, repeat that you’re not interested. And if you want to avoid coming across as harsh (you probably aren’t by the way; most likely it’s just in your head), try using humor to lighten the mood, help you relax, and get you into a better state of mind to say no.
Influence and Pre-Suasion, both written by psychologist Robert Cialdini, have given me some useful tools for saying no. They examine “weapons of influence”, as Cialdini calls them, and provide techniques for effectively resisting unwanted influence and protecting yourself against manipulation. Something that’s also helped me was getting tired of letting myself down by always saying yes and finally seeking out information on how to say no without coming across as a jerk. In other words, I had to truly want to save some time for myself and value that more than I wanted to appease everyone. Sometimes I still give in and say yes even when I don’t want to, but I’ve gotten much better at saying no and sticking to it. I hope this helps you get better at saying no without feeling guilty. If it does, please pass it on to someone else you think might benefit from it. I won’t take no for an answer.