Forgiveness is something we all hear about from a young age, but what exactly is it and what is its purpose? I don’t have all the answers to those questions but I have some thoughts about them that I’d like to share. Many of these come from different resources I’ve studied and, in some cases, my experience in trying them out and seeing how much they’ve improved my life.
At its core, I think forgiveness has more to do with healing yourself than living peacefully with someone who’s hurt you. Holding a grudge against that person doesn’t do anything to them; it just limits yourself by keeping you trapped in negativity. All the time and energy you spend thinking about them and what they did to you could be much better spent on things that will improve your quality of life. Continually being upset with someone instead of forgiving them is akin to locking yourself in a jail cell and sitting there while holding the key. You put yourself there through your reaction to the other person and you have the power to free yourself by forgiving them. This doesn’t mean that what they did to you is acceptable or that you have to continue associating with them. All it means is that you’re choosing to avoid being hurt over and over again by holding onto those negative feelings and letting them live rent-free in your head. You instead choose to forgive them, reclaim control over your life, and then work more on healing from this and other negative experiences you’ve had.
All of this also applies to forgiving yourself for things you regret doing (or things you wish you had done). This is essential for being at ease with yourself and living your best possible life. If you’re constantly beating yourself up over past mistakes, you won’t be able to enjoy the present moment or look forward to future adventures. You’ll have a sense of inferiority and lack of worth, which will come through in your words and actions and negatively impact your relationships with those close to you. By loving yourself enough to forgive yourself, you can shed that excess mental baggage, gain more confidence, and better connect with the most important people in your life. And forgiving yourself for not being the person you want to be will do so much more to help you become that person than talking down to yourself ever could.
I struggle a lot with forgiveness but I’ve found some things that have helped. If a particular situation keeps replaying itself in my mind, I’ll watch my thoughts for a bit and try to figure out what causes that experience to stick out. Usually I realize that I’m upset with the way I handled the situation and I’ll try to think of a better way to navigate similar situations in the future. I also try to keep in mind that someone may have done something I didn’t like because they’re hurting and that pain came out during our encounter; although I was on the receiving end of it, it wasn’t necessarily meant for me or based on something I did. I usually then recall situations in which I’ve taken out my frustration on someone who didn’t deserve it, which makes it much easier to forgive anyone who’s done that to me. I finish by forgiving myself, reminding myself of how much progress I’ve made with self-improvement, and making a commitment to do better next time. All of this has given me a great deal of mental peace and enhanced every area of my life. I still have a lot to work on, so I’m excited to see how continuing to refine this practice further helps me. I hope it helps you as well.