Interesting title, right? That’s the best way I could think to describe my two tendencies in difficult situations. I’m naturally a very agreeable person, which means I tend to be deferential and avoid drama in conversations. If I get pushed far enough, however, I become aggressive and hostile and am quick to snap at whoever I’m talking to. As you might imagine, this has caused me a lot of problems and I’ve worked hard to overcome it.
I think I act this way because of the example I had growing up, both at home and at school: act pleasantly until you get upset or angry, and then become hostile. There was no middle ground, no point of balance, and no negotiations or discussions about feelings. It was either one or the other, and practically no time wasted in going from cheerful to cantankerous. Of course, the people who set this example told us to be patient and respectful, but that’s not how role models work; it’s the actions that others imitate and remember, not the words (especially kids, who look to adults in their lives in order to learn how to behave and tend to carry patterns of behavior they learned early on through the rest of their lives). And when the words aren’t in line with the actions, that’s called hypocrisy, and I think my general distrust in authority largely stems from all the authoritative hypocrites I’ve known over the course of my life.
As a result, I’ve struggled in many of my interactions with others, especially once I’ve gotten close to them. This is why I still tend to let people walk all over me; I want to avoid lashing out and doing something I’ll regret later. Most people who know me in person will probably be surprised to read this as I rarely show that side of myself. In most cases, it only comes out when I’m around family members or my closest friends, and I’m more inclined to show it around family members than close friends for some reason. Still, every once in a while, I’ll end up saying or doing something that hurts one of my friends, and that’s usually when I feel worse than any other situation in life. I don’t want to hurt others, be a hypocrite, or be a slave to bad patterns of behavior I learned as a kid, and those desires have driven me to better myself.
My focus since last year has been about finding that point of balance, that place where I can stand up for myself and my ideas without going overboard. My efforts have paid off as I’ve gotten better at striking the proper balance between agreeableness and assertiveness: I often continue speaking rather than just immediately stop when someone interrupts me, I’ve learned a lot about phrasing my ideas so that they’re more easily understood and require less defensiveness on my part, and I have a better feel for group dynamics so I can usually find the right times to speak up and be heard. How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Power of Now, Influence, The Four Agreements, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People have been invaluable resources for improving my interactions with others and avoiding being either a doormat or a bulldozer. I’m still not where I want to be but I’m a lot closer thanks to great works like these and a lot of practice.