This is the second post in which I explore my rules in greater detail. The focus of this post will be one of the habits from Stephen Covey’s classic book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
It’s so easy for me to make a case for one of my positions before I hear the other person’s side. Even when they go first, I have to make sure I’m actually listening to them instead of daydreaming or thinking about what I’m going to say. This brings up a related issue that Covey also talks about, which is listening with the intent to reply rather than the intent to understand. I often have to pause and remind myself of this, especially in conversations centered around sensitive subjects. When I do succeed in listening to what others have to say and making sure I understand it, I learn much more than when I try to force my ideas onto someone else.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped to conclusions about the way someone else thinks and have subsequently spoken wrongly about them or their position. This caused me a lot of embarrassment and eventually made me more hesitant to make assumptions about other people. When I’m engaged in a conversation, especially about something controversial, I try to make sure I know where the other person is coming from before responding. That helps me avoid attacking a straw man and often makes me see the other person in a better light when I realize how much we have in common. Additionally, I’ve found that people are more willing to hear my take on something once I’ve heard theirs. This doesn’t mean trying to rush them through their opinions so we can get to mine as quickly as possible; it means taking the time to let them explain their thought process and making sure I can accurately say it back to them in my own words. While this is useful for persuasive purposes, most of the time I do it simply because I want to know how they think or because I want the conversation to go smoothly, or both.
Each of the habits in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People are rock solid and this one is no exception. Everyone wants to be heard and understood, so giving them time and space for both of those things is one of the greatest possible demonstrations of respect for them. So many conflicts based on misunderstandings could be avoided if more people took a page from the Book of James and listened before speaking. I’ve gotten a lot better at this over time and I’m still getting better as I continue to work on it. Since practicing this for a relatively short stretch of time has already significantly improved my life, I can’t wait to see how it looks after I’ve been doing it for many years.