In response to all the painful changes I’ve been through over the last five years, I’ve developed a number of routines that have helped me survive and feel good enough to keep going. As I continue healing, I’m gradually backing down some of the activities and routines that no longer seem necessary to my well-being. Here’s how that’s going.
Every day that I’m home, I spend time in the morning and at night in the backyard by my dog Sawyer’s grave. I talk to him, sing him some songs, tell him about both big and small things in my life, and share how I’m feeling at any given moment. On the rare occasion that I spend one or more nights/days away from home, I still do some version of this. Just like at home, I always bring along Sawyer’s squeaky moon toy and the Sawyer socks that a friend gave me for my first birthday after Sawyer’s death. After returning home, I go right back to the full versions of those routines.
I’ve made some changes this year to those routines. Those changes have included singing fewer songs to Sawyer at his grave, getting less quiet time in the morning, and eating breakfast earlier than I have for the past several years. These are the latest changes I’ve made. Over the past few years, I naturally, started spending less time by Sawyer’s grave and made some other changes as the pain went away.
My other main daily routines involve my hobbies. I still love to juggle, unicycle, and rola bola every day. While I used to also work every day on some magic tricks and this Laurel and Hardy dance, I now only do them once a week. I’m certain that weekly practice will allow me to keep the skills I developed through practicing them every day for a year (or more, in some cases), and it gives me lots more time in the day for other activities that I’d rather do.
Some of those routines have shifted temporarily even before this year, such as when I stay in Amelia Island for a few days each December for the Dickens on Centre event. I’ll still do a modified version of my comforting routines while I’m there or overnight anywhere outside my house. The same goes for staying overnight at my grandparent’s house while it’s still being prepared for sale (which, it seems, will take place by the end of this month). Modifying those routines has shown me that I can still benefit from doing mostly the same activities in a shorter time or by doing fewer activities while keeping some that are especially important to me.
All of these changes have come from my own initiative. Just as I did when I first developed the routines and spent much more time in them than I currently do, I’m making these changes in my own time and ignoring whatever anyone else thinks about this. I know myself well enough to know that rushing myself through anything is a recipe for disaster, especially when it’s related to healing. As such, I’m listening to myself and making slight, gradual changes only when I’m ready instead of going along with what someone else thinks I “should” do. I’ve found the gradual approach works best for me. For example, I used to go out to Sawyer’s grave around 10 o’clock on most mornings. Once I felt ready to make a change, I went out one minute later every week until I settled on the current range, which is between 10:20 and 10:25 on normal days. That was much easier and far less scary than making an immediate jump of 20-25 minutes.
Habits and routines can be hard to change. That said, cutting back on them as described above as I heal has given me a new feeling of freedom in that I’m doing things more because I want to do them and less because of any sense of obligation. Since even a small amount of progress can make an enormous difference over time, I feel good about the way these routines are going now. I look forward to seeing how they continue to change as I continue to heal.