There’s a powerful scene toward the end of Monsters, Inc. After being repeatedly asked to demonstrate a proper roar, Sully reluctantly does so. However, he inadvertently scares Boo so badly that she starts crying. When he goes to comfort her, she hides and runs away while still crying. It’s not until Sully sees pictures of how he looked while roaring and how close Boo was to him at the time that he understands how much he hurt her, albeit unintentionally. While Sully didn’t mean to hurt Boo, this scene still serves as an excellent example of reconciling with someone after hurting them.
Whenever there’s an unpleasant encounter between two individuals, it’s a tossup as to how the attempt at reconciliation will go (or if there will be such an attempt at all). Some take responsibility for their behavior while others don’t. It’s also common for both of them to deny responsibility. This is the case even when it’s clear to anyone that one particular individual either contributed much more to the negativity or even caused the whole ordeal singlehandedly. The ego wants to avoid responsibility at all times and in all situations. Those who are strongly under the grip of their own ego may lack the self-awareness necessary to notice when they reject responsibility for what they’ve done, even if they reflect on it later when their emotions have settled. Sometimes they have to see or hear a recording of their behavior before they realize how bad things are and commit to doing better. Even then, not all will have that moment of realization that they need to do better, and they’ll continue behaving just as badly as they always have.
You might be able to guess where this post is going next if you’ve read similar posts from me in the past. The short version is that I want most of my interactions to be with those who take responsibility for their mistakes and eliminate (or at least minimize) my interactions with those who take no responsibility. I’ve learned the hard way that some will never come around, no matter what I do. Even when I’m feeling calm, have thought a lot about what I want to say, approach someone when they’re feeling good and aren’t otherwise occupied, and phrase my requests as civilly and politely as possible, there are some who will still react defensively, play the victim, and try to escalate what could easily be a conversation into a fight. Further, it seems as if those sorts of humans thrive on such negative engagements; I feel incredibly tired and drained afterward while they seem more alive and powerful. With these folks, there is no winning them over through kindness or beating them at their own game by stopping to their level. The only way to win is to not play the game.
I’ll add that I am willing to forgive and reconcile with those who see the error of their ways early on, own up to it, apologize, make it right, and then do better next time. This seems to be fairly common among humans. Animals, as usual, go further. My dog Sawyer always forgave me and welcomed me back whenever I messed up one of our interactions. This process took increasingly less time as we grew closer together in our friendship. However, I don’t know if Sawyer would have done this if I hadn’t shown remorse and done better moving forward. Animals that have been heavily abused often either become incredibly aggressive or seek to avoid others at all costs. As wonderful as animals are and as much as they have to teach humans about how to treat others, they still have their limits.
While I don’t want to interact with those who see fit to treat me badly and never apologize or treat me better, I still am working on being able to forgive them. My idea of forgiveness is about coming to peace within myself, regardless of what they have done in the past or will do in the future. It doesn’t mean that what they did is ok or that I have to allow them to continue doing it. It just means that they don’t owe me anything. I don’t want anyone to live rent-free in my head, especially someone who has hurt me. Their abuse was bad enough when it happened; I don’t want to keep reliving it long after we’ve stopped interacting. The small amount of work I’ve done on this as of late has been quite freeing. I look forward to seeing how much more freedom it gives me as I continue practicing it alongside spending time with my preferred human and animal friends.