I’ve talked a bit about venting in some previous posts, although I hadn’t consolidated my take on venting until now. The approach I have in mind is intended to eliminate venting whenever possible and maximize its effectiveness when it still happens. Given my experience with using it, I find it to work pretty well, and I hope you also do. Here’s my take on how to vent.
- Know why you want to vent. Most venting I’ve heard and done involves talking at length about a particular situation, everyone who is involved, sequences of events, who said or did what, and more. What often gets ignored are the emotions of the person who is doing the venting. Rarely do I hear anyone say that they feel _____ (frustrated, sad, horrified, etc.) in response to what happened. Since the emotions underneath the thoughts run the show, focus on those when venting instead of endless thoughts, words, and needless details.
- Get permission before venting. It’s so easy to start venting to someone without considering how they’re feeling, what’s going on in their life, and if they’re up for hearing about your concerns. Unfortunately, this can be extremely hard on someone who is already having a hard time. It’s important to remember that those you know are human beings, not human doings, and that your words can and do have a great impact on them, especially if you’re close. Although it didn’t happen much, I still occasionally experienced the pain of being vented to while still in deep agony over my dog Sawyer’s death just a few months after it happened. That just made me feel even worse and made me want to avoid those who would rather vent to me without first getting my permission than check in to see how I was doing. My poor boundary skills and difficulty communicating effectively in the midst of that deep pain prevented me from walking away or asking for the venting to stop; those problems are much smaller for me now that the pain around Sawyer’s death is almost gone and my boundaries have improved tremendously.
- Make your reasons for venting clear. One of the most common reasons for not knowing how to help someone is that the person wanting help doesn’t say what they want and need. When you vent, are you looking for advice, a sounding board, compassion, a hug, help sorting things out, or something else? It’s hard to know how to help you if even you aren’t sure what you want and need, or if you haven’t expressed those things clearly to the person you’re hoping can help you. If you don’t make it clear, then those who are listening to you might zone out or wonder why you’re saying what you are. Before you start venting, figure out what you want and need, whether by talking it out on your own, writing it down, or anything else that makes your intentions clear.
- Keep it brief. Although venting sessions can sometimes go for hours, that is entirely unnecessary. This happens either when the person doing the venting isn’t feeling heard or is focusing on everything but the emotions that they feel in response to whatever situation they’re venting about. You don’t have to go into excruciating detail about everything in a particular situation once you’ve noticed how it makes you feel (angry, shocked, confused, depressed, etc.). Focusing on the emotions allows you to get to the root of the problem quickly and prevents the venting from degrading into complaining without any intention of fixing what’s wrong. It can also prevent habitual, compulsive venting to the point that it becomes the majority of how you interact with those close to you (a practice that can build up immense resentment on the parts of the listeners and result in the weakening or even total severing of relationships that become Win/Lose instead of Win/Win as you take far more than you give). If you vent longer than a few minutes to someone else and it seems like relief is still a long way away, take a break. The break might allow everything to settle into the answer you were seeking, or it may clarify things enough that another, shorter conversation puts the pieces together. Less is more with many things in life, and venting is certainly one of those things.
- Be careful what you say. This applies especially when you’re venting to someone about another person whom you both know. It’s incredibly awkward to be put in that kind of position and it can strain all the relationships involved. This can also easily stray into simply slamming or gossiping about the person who isn’t around to hear and respond to anything negative you’re saying about them. Worse yet, if this happens frequently, it can make the person to whom you’re venting wonder if you vent and gossip to others about them when they’re not around. To avoid all of this, there are a few options. You could think about how you’d approach this if the person you’re venting about were there and could hear everything you’d say. Another approach is to consider how you’d like someone to vent about you and how you’d feel if you later learned everything they said when you weren’t around. The best approach of all is to go straight to the person with whom you’re having an issue and working through it together instead of trying to work it out by delivering a one-sided soliloquy to someone who isn’t involved in the situation and can’t fix it for you.
- Work through your emotions before, during, and after the venting. Nobody else can do this for you, and the failure to do this will result in prolonged discomfort and the desire to vent even more, whether to the same person or to many different people. I vented about the same concern to a dozen or more people years ago, and all it did was give me temporary relief that soon gave way to the same amount of pain as I had before venting. It wasn’t until I worked through all the emotions involved in that situation that my emotions settled down, peace took the place of pain, I stopped thinking about it nonstop, and the urge to vent about it went away. Increasing your emotional intelligence in this way will make you less inclined to vent and either improve your difficult relationships or give you the courage to walk away if they’re more trouble than they’re worth.