I often forget how comfortable I feel alone. So much of my weeks feature such frequent human interactions that I get used to feeling slightly run down almost constantly. Whenever I get lots of time to myself, as I’ve experienced a lot lately, it’s always a pleasant surprise how much better I feel.
For most of my life, I’ve felt so concerned with what others might think of me that I’ve severely restrained almost everything I say and do. Those tendencies have waned and waxed as I’ve gone through good and bad seasons in life. When I’m alone, however, there’s no need for such restraint. I feel perfectly comfortable in my own company and have no reservations at all about being as weird as I like or doing something that another might find odd. That’s incredibly freeing and wonderful.
Lots of alone time allows me to go out and feel good around other humans for prolonged periods of time. It also makes it take less time for me to feel good again if the interactions tire me out. Even if I have one or more busy days in a week, if I have enough time to rest in solitude on each day, I can handle the whole week well enough. That’s exactly how the last few weeks have been for me, and I love it.
The more turbulent my life situation, the more I crave peace, and the more upset I feel at even small disturbances that wouldn’t bother me in calmer seasons. For example, someone might say a perfectly harmless phrase in a particular way that will upset me if I’m feeling excessively stressed. In contrast, during the times in which my inner peace has been unshakeable, nothing that anyone did could bother me for more than a few minutes at most, and most things wouldn’t bother me at all. I hope to get back to that place.
More than ever, I now understand why some humans act increasingly reclusive as they age. It’s so hard to duplicate around others the peace I feel by myself. Animals make me feel at ease, especially my late dog Sawyer. With humans, though, it almost always seems as if they’re trying to mold me or make me act in ways they like instead of taking my interests into consideration or finding ways to interact that are good for both of us. As I’ve written about before, I find this a more satisfying explanation than the introvert/extrovert explanation for either feeling drained or energized when interacting with other humans. While I feel extremely grateful for all the solitude and home time I’ve gotten recently, I do still enjoy going out for fun and meaningful activities with a handful of humans I appreciate. I hope that continuing to heal will allow me to do increasingly more things while still feeling good.