I’ve spent many years trying to change others in a variety of ways. At this point, while I’m no longer trying to change others, I still find myself hoping they’ll change in ways I want. This has caused nothing but problems, mainly for me but also for some close to me.
With everything I’ve learned and experienced over the past decade, there has been a particular type of human interaction that I’ve come to prefer. Among other things, it includes focusing more on listening than speaking, letting others finish what they’re saying instead of interrupting, being aware of any and all emotions present in an interaction, spending lots of time in the present moment, taking things slowly rather than racing through speech, and talking about deep, meaningful subjects as opposed to shallow, trivial topics. I feel at ease in those kinds of interactions, and it seems that those who give them a chance also feel similarly. Unfortunately, such interactions are rare, at least where I am. Hardly anyone I know checks all of those boxes, and most humans I interact with regularly check few to none of them.
At least some of this comes down to the company one keeps. Those I see fairly often in person typically see each other at least weekly if not multiple times a week. In contrast, I only see most of them a few times a month. Even when we’re all together, they usually get at least an extra hour with each other after I leave (and often an extra hour before I arrive as well). All that interaction reinforces the ways they already tend to think, speak, and act, which typically include speaking quickly, talking over one another, and sticking to simple topics instead of going deep. The amount of time they spend together makes their influence on each other much stronger than my influence on any of them. That may be why my efforts to make our interactions closer to how I’d like them to be have all failed.
If all of the humans I see regularly spent most of their social hours around other humans who practice presence, mindfulness, slow speaking, silence as the norm with occasional speech, low stimulation interactions, relaxed breathing, and other activities that keep the parasympathetic nervous system active and maintain a peaceful milieu, then that would be the norm for all of the primary social interactions that they and I experience. I sometimes can shift someone more toward those things just by practicing them myself when I’m out and about, even without intending to influence anyone. However, when the group is large enough, my impact is negligible. Even in one-on-one interactions, my impact seems to be limited to the time I visit with someone; lasting change appears to be nonexistent. That can still bring disappointment and discouragement at times. It also shows me, alongside the times in which I unintentionally end up acting like those around me, that I am much more likely to adjust to others than they are to adjust to me.
I still feel a lot of pain from my dog Sawyer’s death almost two years ago. The emptiness his death left within me and the increased hostility in the world over the past four years make me feel uneasy in many human interactions, even around those I’m close to. I also recently realized that that is why I’ve felt so lonely these past few years; it also explains why effective communication and not taking things personally have both been so hard for me over that same time. The more pain I feel at any given moment, the harder it is for me to listen empathically and show love to myself and those around me. Given enough inner healing work, I believe that both of those as well as everything else I do will become much easier, just as they all were during some of my high points in 2021. I have no idea when that will happen, though. Until then, I’ll keep working through the pain and hoping that that continues making things a little easier along the way.
This has been a startling realization. In addition to bringing some disappointment and frustration, it has also come with relief and a shift in my focus. I can’t control what anyone else does. I can only control what I do, and that will be my primary focus whenever I’m around other humans. This often means saying little to nothing around others, which comes out of fear that the interaction will turn out badly, a general preference for silence, and a desire to focus more on the present moment (something that is still difficult for me to do on my own and even more difficult to do around others). While I still want to spend lots of time alone, I’m finding the courage to interact more with others, even if I dislike how they act. I plan to work on releasing whatever trapped emotions (likely fear, anger, and guilt) keep alive in me the desire to control how others act. I’m interested to see where this goes, and I hope that it ends positively.