Having a pet is one of the most wonderful experiences possible. The worst part of having a pet is the day your pet dies. Unfortunately, pets almost always die before their humans, and there isn’t always much that can be done to prepare. When preparation is possible, I have some suggestions based on my own experience with losing my dog Sawyer. Some of these I did and others I wish I had done. Most of them apply when you know your beloved animal friend has little time left, although some of them apply to any point in your friendship. Here are my suggestions.
- Live the best life you can with your beloved animal friend. This is not limited to the end of your time together. Regardless of how much time you have left, make the most of it. Take lots of pictures and videos, travel together, nap with each other, go on plenty of walks, play, etc. The better you do this, the fewer regrets you’ll have, and the easier the healing process will be after your beloved animal friend dies. I’m glad I got as many pictures and videos of Sawyer as I did. Still, I wish I’d gotten even more, and I wish I’d thought to get some from our first day together. That said, I’m glad Sawyer and I hung out almost every day of our eleven years together. We took many naps with each other, went on several walks, kept each other company when nobody else was around, played, and loved on each other a lot. Remembering all the good times we shared gives me some comfort during the hard times.
- Make sure your pet is ready. As bad as it can be to make your pet live in misery longer than necessary, I think it might be worse to rush the process. If your pet is still feeling good enough to make life worth living, then that gives both of you more time to love on each other. Cutting that short robs both of you of that precious time that can never be recovered. Plus, if your pet wants to keep living, why take that away? This is a major sore spot for me since I don’t know if it was Sawyer’s time to die. He had several health scares in his life, including one about a month and a half before his final trip to the vet. I don’t know if the decision made on his final night was the correct one. He might have just been going through another bad day that would have cleared up quickly; if so, then he might have lived longer, and he might even still be alive today. I’ll never know because I wasn’t given a chance to find out. Looking back on that night, I wish I’d taken more time to talk it over with my family members. Instead, I felt rushed into agreeing with a decision that had essentially already been made. It’s always hard to tell what the right thing to do is when looking through a lens of fear, anger, or any other strong negative emotion. Unfortunately, that may have resulted in a premature end to the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced.
- Spend extra time together. Take extra walks, extra cuddles, extra trips, extra activities (both regular and special), extra pictures and videos, and other extra opportunities to share love. To facilitate this, change and even cancel some of your less important plans to make more time for your beloved animal friend, and include them whenever you can on any of your existing plans. This is also a great time to bring back favorite activities and routines that, for one reason or another, you’ve had to put on the backburner for quite some time. In addition to giving you both wonderful quality time with each other, all of this will stretch out your remaining time together as much as possible. I wish I had done more of this with Sawyer in our final few days together. One of my biggest regrets is taking him on so few walks, both during his normal life and also toward the end. Someone else in the house gave Sawyer a walk each night before bed, and I only took him for walks occasionally; we didn’t go for a walk together at all in our final few months together. I wish that I had taken him on even a short daily walk during that time, especially during his final few days. I so regret not taking him on any walk toward the end of his life, even when I knew his time was almost up. I also regret going out earlier than usual to dance on his final Saturday and staying out later than usual after dancing on both his final Saturday and final Sunday. If I could, I would change it such that I went out and came back at the usual times on both days so that we could have spent more time together.
- Give your beloved animal friend extra treats. These can be animal treats and human treats, including forbidden treats that would normally sicken or kill them. Humans regularly eat so many things that would kill most pets, so why not let them indulge in their final moments in something they’ve never been able to enjoy before? I gave Sawyer a piece of dark chocolate coconut creme egg in the final minutes of life; he shared it with me and a few other family members who were there. I’m so glad I gave it to him, and I loved watching him sniff it before gladly wolfing it down. That’s a sweet memory that I will carry for the rest of my days.
- Arrange mementos in advance. This can include things for you, such as a bag to keep locks of fur and a request for paw/nose prints to be made after your pet dies. You can also plan to bring anything familiar to comfort your pet (blankets, towels, beds, toys, special humans, etc.) in the final moments. This is especially important if your pet is going to die at the vet; if they die at home, they’ll likely be feeling more comforted by being in a familiar place with all the usual sights, smells, etc. I brought Sawyer’s squeaky moon toy, my Spider-Man blanket that we so often shared, and a shirt that smelled like me. I hope those gave him some comfort when he needed it the most. I so wish I had arranged in advance to have Sawyer’s paw print impressions preserved in clay. As much as I love the ink paw and nose prints on cards that the folks at the vet gave me, I was hoping for clay paw impressions. Because I assumed that that would be done automatically and never considered that I would have to specifically request it, I missed the chance to get it done, and I’m still working through a lot of pain around that. So, if you want clay paw impressions of your pet, make sure to arrange that in advance. Don’t assume that’ll automatically happen as you’ll feel devastated if it doesn’t. Further, although I got some of Sawyer’s fur, I wish I had gotten much more of it, and I also wish that I hadn’t handled it after that day since touching it a lot has degraded its quality. Those were some painful lessons that I had to learn the hard way. I’ll do better with any future animal friends I adopt.
- Stay there until the end. Your beloved animal friend has been with you through some of the hardest times in your life, so be with them during the final moments of their life. They deserve it after a lifetime of giving you unconditional love. As painful as it was to be with Sawyer as he slowly died, I’m certain that the guilt would be even more severe if I had stayed away during his final moments. I hate the thought of him feeling afraid and being alone with strangers as he died. I’d much rather work through the pain of being there at the end of his life than the pain of guilt from staying away. Being there also gave me the knowledge that he actually did die. Seeing that for myself has been useful to me when denial arises. If I hadn’t gone there, I wouldn’t have that certainty and might struggle even more from not knowing for sure.
- Spend as much time with the body as you need. You might want more time with your beloved animal friend’s body than some or all of your family members. That’s ok as long as each one gets what they need. I wish I had thought to ask what the person at the vet meant by her question about Sawyer’s body. If I had asked for clarification, I’d have gotten to spend more time with his body after his death, which I think would have given me some additional comforting closure. Instead, I only got a few minutes before his body was taken away, wrapped up, and put in a box for burial. If I ever adopt another animal friend who dies before me, I will make sure to spend as much time with the body as I need to feel better, and I won’t follow anyone else’s lead or let anyone rush me.
- Get lots of time to yourself. Take time away from your job, business, school, and regular routine to cry, yell, and do anything else that helps you heal as much as you need. It’s ok to seek out movies, TV shows, music, and other works of art to help you bring up and release emotions. It’s also ok to spend time alone, or away from certain individuals, as needed, especially those who make you feel worse. Ignore anyone who projects their own experiences onto you by saying that “the pain never goes away.” All they’re saying is that they haven’t fully healed. That doesn’t mean you are bound to follow suit. Feel through any and all emotions that come up as you give yourself extra self-care, compassion, and love during this incredibly painful time. It helps to mourn all the things you won’t get to do with your beloved animal friend. In my case, that means mourning that Sawyer will never get to meet my future wife and kids, watch me grow old, travel around the US with me on road trips, and see me fully step into myself. There are some books I’ve found extremely helpful for healing, most notably When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers and Losing Your Dog by Mickie Gustafson. The latter even has some good things for when your beloved animal friend is still alive. I’m so thankful I’ve been able to take so much time to heal since Sawyer’s death. Without that, I think I’d still be feeling debilitating levels of pain. I can’t imagine how anyone loses a beloved animal friend in the morning and then goes in to work an afternoon shift, or jumps right back into a rigorous school schedule, or anything else along those lines. Between the extreme emotional pain and the worst sickness I’ve dealt with in over a decade, I barely made it through last year. I might not have made it if I’d had little to no time to put toward healing. Even if I’d have made it, I’m certain I’d still be feeling a huge amount of the overwhelming pain that has mostly gone away since I’ve spent so much time working through it.
- Develop a routine that helps you heal. What that routine looks like is totally up to you. Anything goes, as long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else and it helps you heal. This is your healing journey and routine, so nobody else has to like it, understand it, or approve of it. However, if you have family members or roommates, it’s best to talk to them about what things to change and when. Most of Sawyer’s belongings were packed up and put away the day he died. That was difficult for me. Abrupt change is hard, especially when it follows a painful loss. I’d have preferred to keep his beds, blankets, towels, and other possessions in their usual places for much longer. That aside, my routine has changed a bit over time, but it’s also had a lot of consistency from the day Sawyer died. In addition to feeling whatever emotions arise, each day I look at pictures and videos of Sawyer’s final morning, talk and sing to him by his grave each morning and night, and interact with some things he loved (such as his squeaky moon toy and my robe). The last picture I look at every morning is the only one I took of his body after he died. That picture brings me some closure and reminds me that he is gone whenever I question if he actually died. My routine has been incredibly comforting to me since losing Sawyer. It’s been especially helpful around my birthday, major holidays, the anniversary of Sawyer’s death, and a few other exceptionally painful times of year. As I’ve healed, I’ve been able to slowly reduce the amount of time I spend on some of those activities, although I didn’t start doing that until more than a year after Sawyer died. Even then, I did it gradually so as not to push myself beyond what I was ready to do.
- Move forward on your own time. There’s no deadline by which you have to have healed entirely or have reached a certain level of healing. This is an individual process, and your journey is unique to you. As long as you feel better each year, you’re on the right track. Some find that adopting another pet right away is healing. Others wait much longer, and some may never have another pet. Animals are living creatures who need lots of good food, water, shelter, vet visits, attention, play, and love. Even though I’m probably emotionally ready for another beloved animal friend, my current overall life situation and financial situation prohibit it. That’s something that the few people who’ve told me to adopt another animal friend don’t seem to have considered. Fortunately, I’m able to visit animals at pet stores and in my neighborhood each week, and sometimes I visit animal friends who live with my human friends. From shortly after Sawyer’s death through to today, those visits have all been wonderful, especially early on in this journey. I’m so thankful for everyone, human and animal alike, who has given me those wonderful visits.