Last week, I covered some things not to say when someone loses a pet. It’s only fitting for this week’s post to cover what to say when a pet dies. In addition to the suggestions below, I highly recommend checking out When a Pet Dies by Mister Rogers. That is a wonderful resource for an individual, family, or anyone else who has lost a pet or wishes to comfort someone who has. That book, along with lots of kind words from acquaintances and strangers alike, have been wonderful parts of my healing journey after losing my dog Sawyer. With all that in mind, here are some good things to say to someone who loses a pet.
- “How can I support you right now?” There are all kinds of ways to support someone who is grieving their lost pet, including listening, giving them space, hugging them, helping them with chores or financial issues, providing advice, etc. What any given person wants at any given time can vary widely, so asking this question early on is essential for knowing how to best help them. This also prevents inadvertent harm that can result from rushing in with unwanted “help”.
- Nothing. Sometimes even the kindest words are unwanted and unhelpful. Sometimes sitting with someone in silence or giving them space are preferred. If that’s what the person wants, then that is the best thing to do for them. Attempting to force them to do something they’re not willing or able to do will only make them feel worse, delay the healing process, and strain your relationship with them. Keep that in mind whenever the urge to jump in and “fix” them becomes strong.
- “What are some of your favorite memories with _______?” Best to use the pet’s name when you ask this question instead of saying “Your pet”, “The dog”, etc. However, not everyone wants to share their fond memories right away, and some may not want to share at all. As long as you readily accept whatever answer they give without pushing back against them, it’s fine to ask the question. After all, how will you know if they want to share unless you ask? For those who do want to share, this can be a wonderful invitation to keep alive the memory of their beloved animal friend and let them know that someone else is interested in hearing those sweet stories, even if that person never met their pet.
- Anything that recognizes and affirms the emotions the person is feeling. This one is huge. Loss of a loved one can bring with it a huge range of emotions, both positive and negative: depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, happiness, shame, peace, and so on. A lot of the pain comes from resisting certain emotions, even if those emotions are irrational. This pain can be exacerbated by well-meaning phrases, such as “Don’t cry” or “Just focus on the good times you had”. Someone may feel guilty over losing their pet even if they have no “reason” to do so. Unless that guilt is fully felt, it will stick around and keep causing trouble, possibly for the rest of the person’s life. While there’s no need to add to someone’s pain by making them feel bad about what they did or didn’t do for their pet, telling them to ignore their emotions is also harmful. Making them feel safe to experience whatever emotions come up is such a healing gesture, and one that’s not done nearly often enough.
- Anything positive about the pet. This is extra meaningful if you got to meet the person’s pet. Even if you didn’t, it’s still kind to compliment the pet’s appearance, say how much you enjoy listening to stories about the critter, talk about how much the person’s eyes light up and their voice becomes soft when talking about their beloved animal friend, etc. It’s crucial to maintain respect for how the person is feeling when doing this; they might want to hear a lot of that or little to none of it depending on where they are in their healing journey. As long as this is done respectfully, it can be incredibly beneficial for the grieving person to hear about shared love for their pet and to possibly hear how their pet benefited others in ways they never knew.