Without a doubt, 2022 has been the hardest, most painful year of my life. All the years that held that title in the past seem like nothing in comparison to this year. Here are some observations about it.
The year felt incredibly short to me but it also felt like two different years: one with my dog Sawyer and another one without him. I still find it hard to believe that this year started with us visiting together and ended with me alone. Sawyer came home in 2011 so this is the first year I’ll be ending without him since 2010; next year will be the first year I’ll start without him since 2011. That still blows my mind. I hope I’ll be able to effectively handle whatever emotions arise as the calendar changes over.
Losing Sawyer sunk me for more than half of the year. In addition to all the pain I had before his death, I then gained all the pain of losing him. That was a huge burden to bear and work through as best as I could. It took everything I had over more than 8 months to get to a fairly stable place within the final few months of 2022. Thank goodness my schedule this year was so flexible. I don’t know what I’d have done if my time for healing was as limited this year as it was last year.
Holidays were hard without Sawyer, at least the few big holidays toward the end of the year that I celebrate. Thanksgiving wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Christmas itself was quite difficult. I cried a lot on that day despite lots of emotional releases all throughout the month. Seeing all the decorations and hearing all the Christmas music long before December started got me thinking a lot about past Christmases with Sawyer: him coming in my room to get me up, getting treats in his little stocking, lying down on my weighted blanket last year, going along with me to visit some family members on Christmas afternoon, and sleeping by the Christmas tree. December was the first month in a while in which I cried every day over Sawyer. Fortunately, I was able to honor my emotions enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas despite still missing him.
A stressful event toward the end of the year made it even harder. It challenged my writing and my ability to persevere more than almost anything I’ve ever experienced. Not having Sawyer here to help me get through it made it even worse. I’m glad to say I finished on a high note when it ended in late November and I’ve moved past it pretty well by now. More often than not, I even forget it ever happened. If I get into a situation like that again, I hope it goes much better than this one did.
A three-day gig I had in Fernandina Beach was the first time I’ve spent the night outside my house since coming back from a work trip in September of 2020. It was so hard for me to be away even for a couple of days. That pain plus several other problems made the first day of the gig one of the worst days I’d had in months. The gig itself went well overall, even on the first day, thanks to everything I cried out on my drive over there. I cried more at the hotel that night, felt much better, and had an even better time the next day. Things took a turn shortly after the gig ended that day, though. Enough of a turn to put me on edge for the rest of that day and the first part of the final day of the gig. Fortunately, the last day went super well. Outside of the gig, I went to a s’mores party in Georgia, explored the festivities around Fernandina, had lunch with a friend, and got to pet lots of dogs, a cat, and even a bunny. The highlight of the gig was the two Pomeranian pups I got to pet and hold the first two days of the gig. I’m so glad that almost everything worked out fine there.
Overall, I feel more distant from humans than I ever have. I make almost no effort to engage in conversation when I go out to dance, juggle, or do practically anything else. Mostly, I go out to have fun with activities I enjoy and stick mostly to myself when I’m not dancing, juggling, etc. I have grown apart from many while simultaneously growing closer than ever to a small handful. Winter in general and Christmas in particular tend to exacerbate the lonely feelings; that was certainly the case this year. I don’t think I’d have gotten through it without a few close friends, regular visits with cute animals, and a ton of emotional work and self-care. Even with all that, I often wondered if I would make it. I’m glad I did.
Although there has been a lot of bad this year, there has also been a lot of good. My juggling is overall better than it’s been in a long time. Juggling 5 clubs was my biggest juggling feat ever and getting that made my whole year. The monthly juggling event I host has flourished enough to consistently draw several skilled, dedicated jugglers who always make it fun. I also had lots of great juggling gigs that benefited me in several ways, including letting me travel to several familiar places and at least one new place this year.
While my interactions with others have radically changed, there is still good to be found there. I’m focusing almost exclusively on quality rather than quantity of my relationships, seeing family more than I have in several years, developing better boundaries, having more meaningful conversations and fewer trivial ones, removing negative influences from my life, visiting regularly with lots of wonderful animals, and being more genuine in most of my interactions. It’s as if I’m finally putting into practice all the lessons I’ve learned about engaging with others. That’s such a wonderful experience, to know how to use the knowledge I’ve gained instead of just thinking or talking about it.
Many of my years over the past decade have been incredibly hard. The year 2017 remains one of the most difficult, painful years of my life. So much good was stripped away and so much bad took its place. That year didn’t start letting up until more than halfway through, and even then it was a slow shift from mostly negative to mostly positive. Some good did start accruing toward the end of that year and I built upon it the next year. All of those good things plus hardly any bad things made 2018 the best year of my life. In contrast, each of the past three years has taken a lot from me: 2020 took away most of my swing dancing opportunities and a lot of my idealism, 2021 took away my job and the connections I had there, and 2022 took away Sawyer. I’ve felt similarly this year to how I felt in 2017, only the pain has been much more severe. Fortunately, as with 2017, 2022 has smoothed out greatly for me over the final few months of the year. That gives me hope.
Until recently, I’d never had three incredibly hard, destructive years in a row. Navigating this previously uncharted territory has been an emotional roller coaster. Somehow, I’m feeling a bit of excitement for the coming year. That’s been one of the most surprising things about the last few months of 2022. I hope that the good I’ve started building this year from everything that I’ve learned over the past few years will result in 2023 being a wonderful year for me. I’d love it if 2023 ends up being similar to 2019, as that was the last good year I had (it didn’t feel like it at the time since it wasn’t as nice as the prior year, but I’d gladly take it at this point). If 2023 is more like 2018, that’d be even better. At the very least, I hope 2023 is kinder to me than 2022 was.