Last week, I covered several kinds of responses that make things worse when someone is struggling. Today, I’ll look at a variety of helpful responses, several of which have been invaluable in my healing journey after losing my dog Sawyer earlier this year.
- Asking the other person what they are wanting and needing. This can be done by asking one or a few open-ended questions which include, but are not limited to, the following: “How can I help you with this?” “Do you want someone to listen, offer advice, hold space, give you space?” “How can I best support you?” Asking someone what they’re looking for is an excellent place to begin as it allows you to learn how to best support them. Best to find that early on so you can start down the proper path right out the gate.
- Asking them how they’re feeling about their struggle. If someone wants to talk about it, they may have a lot to say. They may also have little to nothing to say about it. In either case, it helps to know someone cares, and sometimes simply getting it off their chest without being judged for how they feel is all they need to feel much better.
- Listening. Listening to understand, also called empathic listening, is crucial for effectively supporting someone. You know you’ve succeeded at empathic listening when you can put what they’ve said into your own words and they verify that you’re correct. That shows that you’re actually listening instead of just waiting until they’re done to start speaking. Also, hear them out before giving advice. This applies even if they start off by asking for advice. If you hear twenty seconds of a ten minute story, you most likely won’t be able to offer good advice. If you listen to the whole story and make sure you understand it, you might be able to offer something beneficial.
- Keeping focus on the person who is struggling. Remember, you’re supporting someone who is going through a hard time, not expecting them to support you or making it all about yourself. Ask questions to get a feel for how they’re doing and to help you understand what their situation is like. This is much more effective than sharing a story from your own life or simply saying “I know how you feel”. The former can easily make the person feel ignored or burdened by something negative you’ve just told them and the latter is merely an assertion that you understand without in any way showing them that you actually do. Instead, you can repeat back certain words or phrases the person has said multiple times, ask how they feel about what they’ve described, and say things such as “That sounds difficult” or “Sounds like this has been a huge struggle for you”. All of that keeps the focus on them while still allowing you to show that you get what they’re saying.
- Welcoming them and their emotions. This can be difficult if the person is expressing a lot of sadness or anger. It can be tempting in those situations to offer a distraction or attempt to get the person to act as if they’re feeling better (whether or not they actually are). Avoiding both of those and instead allowing them to show up as they are is what facilitates healing. However, it’s perfectly fine to set boundaries against any abusive behavior the person may direct at you; helping someone heal doesn’t require becoming a victim or a doormat.