Sometime within the past few weeks, I listened to a cover of “Green Tambourine” from Recess: School’s Out. It immediately took me back to when I first watched that movie in elementary school. I think I saw it during summer break. Either way, I definitely understood even at that time how wonderful it was to have plenty of time to do whatever I liked, including relaxing without any big plans to carry out or goals to work toward. The sense of innocence I had back then and the lack of overwhelm from decades of buried emotions were incredible. Plus I didn’t have a cell phone and spent hardly any time on the internet (although I did watch a lot more TV back then).
Looking back, that feels like another lifetime. It’s been so long since I’ve had the safety and predictability of being a kid. Prolonged breaks with no major work to do, seeing my friends for six or more hours a day, and knowing how almost every day would look. As an adult, all of that has changed. I don’t have regular time off from my job that lasts for weeks or months at a time. My days are and weeks are nearly unpredictable, even in my free time. It’s much harder to visit with my friends due to work, family, scheduling issues, and other things that pop up unexpectedly; all of that makes it so that there are some friends I hardly ever get to see, even when we both want to visit each other. Lately I’ve felt exhausted and like I have hardly any time for anything, even my hobbies at home.
In addition to all of this, I realized why I’ve struggled off and on with socializing since I left high school. For most of my life up until that point, most of my friends were my classmates whom I had known from elementary school onward (some came and went over the years, of course). We’d see each other in class, in the hallway, during lunch, at PE, at school functions, and occasionally at events outside of school. It takes me a long time to get comfortable around new people so to suddenly lose those regular visits with friends I’d known for many years upon graduating was quite a change. Even though I would make friends at my various jobs, extracurricular activities, and volunteering events, it just wasn’t the same as it was in school. Some people I met in these places I’d see multiple times a week while others would vanish for weeks, months, or even longer stretches of time. Instead of spending a good chunk of our day together, we’d get maybe a few hours at most. We didn’t always get to visit much even when we were at the same events. As such, I’ve gone through periods of feeling quite outgoing and sociable with people that I’d gotten to know well followed by periods of feeling super reserved and shy with people I hardly knew at all.
Things make less sense to me every year. I’ve gradually discovered that much of what I learned as a kid was false and I now frequently question whether or not I truly know anything outside of my own experiences. The start of 2021 was pretty smooth for me but the past few weeks have had some hard moments. That’s why all of these thoughts and feelings are coming up. Whenever I feel sufficiently overwhelmed and stressed, I long for the simpler days of being a little kid. Endless summers, regular routines, wide-eyed optimism, and the sense that everything is or will be ok. I had plenty of pain growing up but that was balanced by a lot of stuff that seemed magical, especially when I was living it. Now a lot of the magic is gone. I wish I had had a better idea of what was coming later on. I probably would have done more to prepare for adulthood if I’d understood how different it would be and what I’d be losing. I didn’t know how good I had it until it was gone and I fear that I’ll never get it back.
Fortunately, I can end this post on a high note. All the inner work I’ve done since last year has made me feel consistently better than I ever have before. Even when I have difficult times like I’ve experienced recently, they aren’t as frequent, deep, or lengthy as they used to be. My personal growth has done a great deal to reduce the feeling that I peaked in high school. Additionally, the progress I’ve made has given me a glimpse of how some of my bigger goals could begin unfolding in the near future. I’m only just getting started in life and I look forward to seeing where my journey takes me.