My stance on self-improvement has changed as I’ve gone further in this journey. I still love self-improvement and consider myself to be on a self-improvement journey, but I don’t see it the same way as I used to. I used to see self-improvement as a way to become a different and better person because I didn’t like myself enough and was focusing on learning as much as possible about doing things differently and being better. But as I’ve gone on and learned more, I now see self-improvement as accepting and loving myself as I am and seeing how I can best maximize the qualities I have without trying to change myself to become who somebody else wants me to be.
I see it like an artist who wants to make a sculpture out of a big block of marble. He picks up the hammer and the chisel and chips away everything he doesn’t want until all that’s left is the sculpture. Everything that is gone was never part of the sculpture in the first place; that was just the stuff that the artist had to get through to get to the sculpture within. That’s what I’m doing with self-improvement: I’m chipping away everything that’s not me and is concealing the real me until all that’s left is who I am. This plays into why I really hate when other people are trying to control me, make me do things differently, or be someone other than who I am. When they do that, it feels like they’re trying to take the hammer and the chisel away from me and chip away parts of me that they don’t like and carve me into a sculpture of their own choosing. I want to be my own artist and create my own sculpture. Everyone else can get rid of parts of themselves they don’t like if they want but they can’t do that with me.
Now I do know some people who love me as I am and simply want me to have more self-love, self-acceptance, and peace within myself. That’s perfectly fine with me since they’re not fundamentally trying to change me and it fits in with self-improvement as I see it. They’re just encouraging me to be more myself and love myself as I am. That’s quite different than the people who try to take the hammer and the chisel away from me and carve me into who they think I should be. My close friends have done a lot to fuel my self-love and self-acceptance and I’m grateful to have them in my life.
The sculpture I end up making may be weird and different than the sculptures of those around me and that’s ok. I’ve gotten more comfortable with being awkward and weird, not always knowing what to say, and feeling like I don’t have to say something if I have nothing to say. Overall, I’ve gotten much more comfortable just being myself and observing how people respond. Those who don’t like me? Ok, I don’t need them. I’d much rather be around people who look at the sculpture of my life, see it for all it’s worth, accept all the flaws and the weirdness and the beauty, and say “I like you; let’s be friends.” I’d take those people any day over the people who look at me and say “No, thanks.” The best way to find the people who accept me as I am is to just be myself, see how others respond, and gravitate toward the ones with whom I feel a meaningful connection. That has done so much to improve my life and I’m excited to see what it does for me as I continue to get better at it.