A while ago, I shared my take on emotions and the responsibility we have toward each other. Here are some additional thoughts I’ve had on these issues since that post.
In some situations, we have little to no responsibility for the emotions of others. For example, if I physically resemble someone who abused you, you might very well feel uncomfortable around me. That is a perfectly understandable response given how trauma works, although it won’t be either of our faults that you feel that way.
However, suppose that I have repeatedly abused you. In that case, it is my fault if you feel uncomfortable around me, whether because of the past pain I’ve inflicted upon you or because of the possibility of future pain I might inflict upon you. I’d be incorrect in saying that your emotions around me weren’t my responsibility or that how you acted in my presence had nothing to do with me. I’d also be incorrect in making those statements if I had made effective communication between us impossible and you were then reluctant to talk to me.
The same applies for the attitude somebody brings to their interactions. I occasionally see a distinction made between someone who is intimidating and others who feel intimidated. Sometimes the responsibility for that is on those who feel intimidated. Other times, it is on the person who being intimidating, especially if they are shouting, getting right in someone else’s face, or using/threatening to use violence. Someone who acts like that can rightly be said to be acting in an intimidating way and can’t rightly say that their behavior doesn’t affect how those around them feel or that it’s the fault of others for feeling intimidated.
This is another reason I reject the notion that nobody is responsible for anybody else’s emotions. It’s far too easy for abusive people to run with that idea, abuse others, and then claim that the emotions and responses to that abuse have nothing to do with them. Disabusing them of that notion by refusing to accept their bad behavior offers a chance that they’ll change their ways. If not, at least you’ll be free from their abuse.
Additionally, I’ve noticed those who act as if they’re not responsible for anyone else’s emotions also act as if others are responsible for their emotions. Hence their hypocrisy in how they treat others horribly while demanding others treat them wonderfully. They also tend to lash out at simple requests, clarifying questions, and objective statements pointing out simple facts; it’s as if they assume that any of those are insults or personal attacks against them. And if anyone calls them on this, do they examine themselves, see the error of their ways, apologize, and do better from then on? More often than not, no. Instead, they deflect, play dumb, verbally (or sometimes physically) attack the other person, turn the tables by accusing that person of behaving badly, or otherwise attempt to dodge the reality of their behavior. The overall reaction is one of defensiveness and shutting others down instead of listening and considering how their actions have impacted those around them.
I always appreciate seeing reminders about how everyone has some struggle. A message saying “Be kind. Everyone has their own journey” was painted on a fence next to a road I often take. Unfortunately, it appears to have been painted over recently. Fortunately, I saw it enough times to remember it verbatim and I think about it each time I pass that fence. I’ve seen enough similar messages in enough places to know that others recognize the importance of showing kindness, compassion, and love. That suggests that others also believe we have some responsibility in how we treat each other. That’s always encouraging to see.
Nobody has to treat anyone else like royalty, but everybody can at least refrain from being jerks. I’ve thought a lot about this since my dog Sawyer’s death. The added vulnerability I’ve felt for most of this year has got me focusing even more than I did before on how others treat me and how I treat them. My patience for anything even remotely resembling abuse is at an all-time low. With the exception of my worst days, my willingness to be kind is at an all-time high. Even when I don’t have it in me to be kind, I at least refrain from being cruel. If everyone ceased acting cruelly toward others, then the world would be a much better place, even without an increase in active kindness. I hope that happens.