It’s always hard to learn an unpleasant truth about someone you thought you knew. Maybe this person was a close friend, family member, work acquaintance, or someone else you saw regularly and enjoyed being around. But then one day you find out something about them that makes your skin crawl and totally changes your perspective of them.
When this happens, it feels as if that person dies and an impostor takes their place. But it’s not the person that dies, it’s the false image of them in your mind. The image that included only what you knew and focused on the most obvious things about them but left out the rest. That image represents the innocence you once had regarding that person; your innocence, along with the false image, died when you learned the truth about them. Seeing someone’s dark side for the first time can be difficult and painful, and often requires a great deal of time to accept this revelation and get over the accompanying feeling of betrayal.
You may start thinking about your past interactions with them, wondering if there were any signs indicating their hidden traits. You might be tempted to blame yourself for missing an “obvious” sign that should have tipped you off. It’s easy to do that with the knowledge you now possess, but you didn’t have that knowledge earlier. Being hard on yourself is only going to make you feel bad and take your attention away from the fact that the other person is at fault for what they did and how they worked to create that false image you had of them. Our impressions of other people can be wrong, especially those we only see occasionally and don’t really get to know personally, so best to forgive ourselves, forgive the other person if possible (if for no other reason than for our own healing), and move on when we’re ready. Easier said than done, but well worth doing for the enormous burden it takes off our shoulders.