Humans are strange and unpredictable. I could leave it at that, but, as usual, I have lots more to say. Here we go.
So many humans bring drama, hostility, and other kinds of extreme negativity into a situation out of nowhere. As soon as their pride is even lightly scratched, they’ll respond aggressively to anything they see as a threat to their identity, regardless of whether that threat is real or imaginary (it’s imaginary far more often than not). I’ve been randomly accused of ignoring others, laughing at them, thinking they’re drunk when they clearly weren’t, not caring about them, etc. Some accusations are downright unbelievable, such as the drunk one, but they all arise from fear. All it takes is a small amount of fear to distort one’s perception of reality to the point that the most impossible scenario seems to be occurring.
It gets worse. Some humans spend much of their time figuring out how to scam, con, swindle, and otherwise manipulate others into doing their bidding (at times even resorting to violence). Sometimes they even do this for a job. They can do it by themselves or alongside others. Those who both lack the ability to feel bad about doing this and also don’t fear the consequences of getting caught will do it no matter what happens to them as a result; others may feel bad and fear getting caught but still do it any way. Either way, they intentionally make the lives of others worse so that their own life gets a little better.
How do you tell who will treat you well and who will use you for their own selfish ends? Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick way to do so in most cases. It takes time to find out who actually cares about you and who has no real regard for your wellbeing. Some keep a low profile for years before gradually revealing their true colors. By then, it starts becoming clear that they’ve done a lot of harm to you over the course of your interactions, and it can also skew your perception of yourself. When this happens, it often results in good people thinking they’re horrible monsters and horrible monsters thinking they’re good people.
It’s taken me years to fully realize the worst part of all the abuse and trauma I’ve endured. The worst part isn’t how I was hurt in the past, it’s how that pain has continued to haunt me into the present and negatively shapes my view of the future. Since I’ve repeatedly experienced betrayal from those who’ve gotten close to me, I subconsciously expect that to continue throughout the rest of my life. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, whether by learning how someone I thought was a friend is essentially a complete stranger or by seeing the gradual removal of a friendly front that reveals someone’s true abusive face. That’s why I often feel stressed and scared even around some of my closest friends. I never know what will set someone off and put me at ground zero of the full force of the massive ego that lurks just under the surface of most humans. It’s like being around a bunch of Bruce Banners while hoping desperately that they don’t Hulk out and destroy me.
Adding to this fear is a major shift in how humans interact with each other. For much of the twentieth century, emotional suppression was both the expectation and the norm. That has changed over the past few decades. It seems increasingly common for humans to act less as sentient beings and more as opinion machines. In addition to having opinions on seemingly everything, they also appear to feel compelled to share those opinions everywhere. They often do this in an angry way, especially if whoever they’re talking to has a different opinion on a sensitive topic. An alternative approach involving managing emotions in a healthy way without hurting oneself or anyone else still seems to be practically nonexistent.
Around animals, I either feel excited or at peace. They give at least as good as they get when it comes to love, and they often give more love than they receive. Animals bring out the best in me and make me feel safe enough to be my true self with them. No animal has ever traumatized me, condemned me, or made me regret our time together. In contrast, many humans have done all of those, especially the ones who learned of my vulnerabilities and then intentionally pressed them, whether to make me do what they wanted or to hurt me for no clear reason. So many humans have an ulterior motive behind their interactions with others: making money, looking down on someone else in order to feel better about themselves, putting the responsibility of managing their own emotions onto someone else so they don’t have to do it, causing others pain because it brings them pleasure, etc. Anyone who does one or more of those doesn’t value other humans as human beings, they value others as human doings. Once someone is no longer capable of giving that kind of person what they want, they cease to be valuable in that person’s eyes. It takes a long time to get to know someone well enough to tell if they have one or more dark ulterior motives. By then, so much harm has been done, harm that might take a lifetime to heal.
Abused animals often act skittish when an unfamiliar human approaches. I met two dogs at someone’s house in Arizona a few years ago. One was a big, sweet dog who plopped down on my lap while I sat on the couch. The other had been abused at a previous home and mostly avoided me, although he did sit on the other end of the same couch I was on for a bit. Similarly, I often close up around humans I don’t know and may leave an event early if there are few to no folks I already know there. It can take many interactions with someone before I feel safe enough to open up. That process can be expedited if I’m around someone who shows vulnerability early on and avoids condemning or shaming me for what I reveal about myself. Having small gatherings in which I already know one or more people and am only meeting one or two new people also allows me to feel comfortable more quickly around new folks. Despite all of that, I still feel far more comfortable around animals I’ve never met than humans who are among my closest friends.
My trust in humans is quite low overall, though it does ebb and flow based on my mood. Fear does more than anything else to determine how I feel around others and how much I trust them. I have less fear when my parasympathetic nervous system is in control and more fear when my sympathetic nervous system takes over. Still, I don’t know if I’ll get back to the same level of high trust and low fear that I had before the final few months of 2021, or before my dog Sawyer died in the first few months of 2022. Losing him was such a huge blow for many reasons, one of them being my complete trust in him as he always had my back. Another reason was that he was always there for me even when I ended up in some incredibly bad situations. Without him, I have lost a huge advocate for my health, especially my emotional and mental health. I’m still working through the pain of losing him and having to live without him. As I do, I find my fear going way down and my courage coming way up. I hope that continues happening as I keep working through this and other kinds of pain. I’ll find out sooner or later.