I’ve heard it said that we’re more likely to be abused by our family members than by strangers, and I’ve also heard many people say that some of their friends have treated them much better than some of their family members. I have some ideas as to why this happens. I think it primarily has to do with the differences in societal and cultural expectations for familial relationships and friendships. Those expectations are internalized by the majority of people, causing them to abide by them either because they want to or because they feel they have to.
When it comes to familial relationships, there’s a general expectation for people to stick it out no matter what, barring cases of extreme abuse. Those who cut off members of their immediate families are usually seen as the bad guys; sometimes they’re seen as even bigger bad guys than the people who drove them to sever those ties in the first place. Some people use this expectation to stick around as a license to do whatever they want to those around them, leaving the people they abuse to either attempt to work it out or suffer in silence.
Contrast this with friendships, where it is socially and culturally acceptable to walk away; abuse may not even be involved as some friends grow apart due to changing life situations, different interests, and other benign reasons. While there are plenty of examples of people who make their friends suffer, in some cases friends treat each other better than their family members because they know they have to be friendly if they want to have friends.
The way a relationship begins also greatly affects how it’ll play out over time. Most friendships spring forth from a common interest two people share who also have no prior history. Because there’s usually nothing positive or negative between them before the friendship starts, they can start off on the right foot as they voluntarily focus on whatever first drew them together. As they get to know each other (which takes a lot of time if they want to go beyond the surface level), conversations go from shallow to complex, gradually becoming less about their interests and more about themselves. This causes friends grow more interested in each other as well as more interesting to each other over time. Because of the generally pleasant way that most friendships begin and continue, there is a feeling of being able to let one’s guard down around friends. Friends can lightly tease each other (which they’ll recognize comes from a place of love rather than malice), talk about things they would never dare talk about with anyone else, and be open with each other about their deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams.
With families, there is typically a lot of forced interaction, such as a kid being around their parents constantly during the first few years of life or siblings having to share a room. Whenever at least one person is emotionally immature (whether they’re a young kid who hasn’t had the time to develop emotional control or an adult who never learned it), there will almost always be a great deal of pain, which can easily lead to abuse. Whatever happens early in a familial relationship can color that relationship going forward, sometimes significantly. Further, many family members feel they know each other well enough through years of interaction; this can result in many conversations about superficial topics and few, if any, meaningful conversations about each other.
Those are my thoughts on friendships and families. My friendships and familial relationships have been all over the map, with some being wonderful, some terrible, and some largely forgettable, so this post is not meant to suggest that all relationships look like this. If you have some thoughts or experiences of your own that you’d like to add, I’d love to hear about them. Thank you for your time.