Before last year, I considered myself to be a pretty reasonable person. Since then, however, I’ve realized that I can be just as emotional, unreasonable, and ideological as the next person. I’ve engaged in a lot of hostile exchanges over the years. I explained my thinking on why this occurs (which is based on things I’ve heard from various sources over the past few years rather than something I developed myself) in this post. Whatever the cause of hostile discussions, problems brought up during them remain unsolved and everyone is worse off for it.
Separating my sense of self from my views has done a lot to make me more civil and less prone to arguing; whenever I remind myself that I’m not my views and that therefore someone questioning my views is not threatening my life or my safety, it helps me relax and stay positive. I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but my desire to “win” arguments or even engage in them has been reduced to almost nothing. At this point, I much prefer discussions, and when I engage in one, I make sure to point out the areas of agreement between myself and the other participants. It’s all too easy to think that there are two “sides” to an issue and that if someone isn’t on one “side”, they’re automatically on the other. Avoiding this is critical for civil discussions.
More than ever before, I’m trying to “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” as the Bible says and keep in mind that I can learn something from just about anyone I talk to. I value real, deep conversations and actively seek them out. I think they’re vital for connecting with other people and for working toward solutions to the problems we all face. Sometimes I’m correct in a conversation and sometimes I’m incorrect, but the best conversations always leave me better off at the end than I was at the beginning. I’m tired of arguing, I’m tired of trying to “win”, and I’m tired of energy that could be used to heal instead being used to hurt. And I believe plenty of other people feel the same way. Do you?