I recently celebrated another birthday. Although I enjoyed it overall, it was also quite painful as it was my first birthday without my dog Sawyer since 2010, before I got him. Here’s an overview of how it went.
Most of the celebrations occurred the day before my actual birthday. I hung out with a few close friends as we ate at my favorite doughnut place, went to the beach, had a nice dinner, and visited with one of their cats before I headed home. After I got home, I talked with another friend for close to an hour before going to bed.
On my birthday, I caught up with a friend over brunch for a nice start to the day. Then I put a few books on hold at a used bookstore before going to visit with some puppies. That was one of the highlights of my day. A few phone calls with two other dear friends, a nice neighborhood walk, some birthday cake, a new set of juggling clubs, and a pretty good juggling session wrapped everything up nicely.
There was a great deal of dread leading up to this birthday. I knew it would be hard without Sawyer. I’ve been missing him extra this whole month and he comes to my mind even more than usual. I’ve found myself crying harder and feeling much more frustrated as I look back on everything. As a result, I’ve felt down most of this month. That heaviness extended to my birthday, which was the latest of many painful firsts without Sawyer.
During all the celebrations, I spent a lot of time thinking back to past birthdays. Most of my reminiscing focused on the one from last year when I felt invulnerable emotionally, had a wonderful day surrounded by so many great people, and book-ended my day with quality Sawyer time. This year, besides not having Sawyer, I intentionally kept most of the celebrations small. It’s been harder for me to connect with humans due to all the changes that started late last year, so I wanted only a few close friends with me on and around the big day. Those simple, intimate celebrations were in stark contrast to the larger, more involved celebrations last year. For the most part, I got what I wanted and needed each year. I’m glad this birthday went as well as it did. I hope my next birthday will be easier.